How do I deal with my teenage daughter having sex with her boyfriend in our house? She’s 19 and not a kid anymore, but I’m finding myself very uncomfortable, and my husband is apoplectic. We want to have an honest relationship with her, but where does one draw the line? Are we horribly old fashioned?
Dear Parents,
Sorting through the details of family life with an older teen is rarely simple. Whether or not to host a 19 year old’s intimate relationship is usually an individual decision based on countless family details.
Generally, I recommend that whenever possible, parents create a welcoming space for older children to spend time with their friends. When doing so, moms and dads usually become more informed about important details of their child’s relationships, often learning if their teen is needing good counsel or deserving of respect and appreciation. If some of a teen’s social life takes place in a safe and nurturing environment like home, it can be reassuring and helpful to parents and children.
Of course, when a 19 year old is in a committed intimate relationship, adults can find things harder to manage. Nevertheless, providing a secure and healthy place for a child to spend time with her sweetheart can bring benefits to moms and dads. Parents who end up spending regular time with a teen couple usually learn a lot about how things are going, and if mom and dad have a loving and communicative relationship with their child, it can be easier for them to offer appropriate encouragement or guidance when needed.
If relationships in a family are strained (they often are during adolescence), hosting a teen’s partner sometimes eases tension.
Older teens can show a brighter, “easier” side of themselves when their “intimate friend” is around their parents. I have also heard many stories of boy and girl friends encouraging each other to be more respectful at home.
As I believe that children of all ages benefit from a close relationship with their parents, any steps that move contentious relationships in a better direction can be worth taking.
Of course, being in the proximity of a teen’s intimate relationship can also increase tensions. It can be challenging for parents to know that their “little girl” is having sex in their home when they were helping her tie her shoes in what seems like just a short time ago. Things can also be complicated if younger children are around, as household rules and routines are possibly being broken, or parents are disagreeing about what is or is not appropriate. If family tension increases, then it might be wise to reconsider hosting this particular part of a child’s relationship, if possible.
Whatever the circumstances, it is usually wise to have open and honest conversations with an older teen about mutual thoughts and concerns.
If parents can express their ideas without too much upset and can listen to the young person’s point of view as well, it is usually easier for basic agreements to be made. Good conversations can help things go better for everyone.
I understand your dilemma. I am pretty sure your daughter appreciates the time and effort you and your husband are taking to think this through. Hopefully, you all can work out the details so that everyone is comfortable in the end.
