A pimple used to put a wrench in my entire day when I was a teenager. That one little red spot would cause all kinds of insecurities, and I would head out to school feeling ugly, even if, just hours earlier, I was feeling like a movie star.
Insecurity regarding physical appearance is not the only esteem downer for teens. There are other issues that can cause your teen to feel less than valuable, and some may have long-term effects. Being cut from the team, a break-up with a significant other, or rejection from the college she’s hoped to attend since the second grade can be catalysts to self-loathing.
Your teen’s mood is all over the place to begin with, so what’s a parent to do when her teen’s esteem seemingly plunges into a black hole?
Reflection in the mirror
Many teens believe that “fitting in” is synonymous with “looking like.” Some adolescents try to conform to a desired crowd by physically dressing and acting like those in the group, while others might try to emulate fashion models or movie stars. Both of these scenarios can be destructive if taken too far.
“Wanting to fit in and look like other kids is part of adolescence. However, this desire can lead to stress and to unhealthy behaviors,” warns Wendy Grolnick, PhD, author of “Pressured Parents, Stressed-Out Kids” (Prometheus Books, 2007) and director of the Frances L. Hiatt School of Psychology and Education at Clark University. Parents need to help their teens put appearance in perspective.
“Parents can help their teens by stressing and modeling the importance of a healthy lifestyle — healthy eating and exercise,” advises Grolnick.
Mothers who complain about their looks or their weight are setting bad examples for their young daughters. Parents with positive self-images help their teens learn by example, which is more effective than merely telling your teen to feel good about herself.
Building up
Parental expectations and criticism can be damaging to a teen who is already insecure. Parents should remember to focus on their teen’s accomplishments, not their failures.
“Given our very competitive environment, teens are under immense pressure to live up to their own and others’ standards,” says Grolnick. “This pressure can lead teens to ultimately question themselves and their adequacy.”
Parents shouldn’t add to the pressure their teen is under by pushing too hard. Instead, Grolnick suggests the following for encouraging a positive self-image:
• Help your teen formulate realistic goals and expectations
• Focus on the process of your teen’s endeavors, rather than the outcome
• Teach your teen multiple ways to be successful
• Limit activities if overload is causing stress
Facing failures
It’s inevitable that your teen will experience failure. It is how she learns to handle it that’s important. Teach her how to put failure in perspective, and that learning from disappointment is a path to becoming a better person.
Constructive criticism is effective if you focus on the action, not the person. You might say, “I know you could have done better on that exam if you had studied more,” instead of, “You have no work ethic.”
Parents should also communicate that there is no such thing as perfection, and that putting in your best effort is a goal worth attaining.
Grolnick says that decreased engagement in pleasurable activities, increased time alone, frequent stomachaches or headaches, and persistent negative self-statements could be signs that your teen’s negative self-image has spiraled out of control. Parents who believe this to be the case should seek professional help.
Tips and tales
“I tell my girls to always give their best. This way, they won’t have regrets later. I also tell them that I may get disappointed at times, but that will never change the fact that I will always love them.”
Julie Miller, Hopewell Junction, NY
“It’s important to be involved in a group that is doing something positive, such as sports teams, musical groups, church, or the school newspaper.”
Tricia Ramos, Hyde Park, NY
Share your ideas
Upcoming topic: Summertime equals “freedom” for teens. Any special rules for your teen during summer months, when things are more lax?
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Myrna Beth Haskell is a feature writer and columnist specializing in parenting issues and child and adolescent development. She is the mother of two teenagers.
