Let’s be honest, yelling happens. It’s not on purpose or intentional. Some days it just happens. The frustration builds up and out it comes. Loud, angry, forceful words.
In less-than-graceful moments, it is directed at your children. Your son won’t come to put on his shoes, or your daughter won’t sit for dinner. Your frustration boils over and you yell.
Afterwards, you feel bad, the kids feel bad, and everyone feels a bit icky.
Are these moments happening more and more frequently? A few months ago, you only yelled a few times a week. Now you are yelling a few times a day. It is as if your child wants you to yell at him. As if your kids are looking for the way to make you explode.
Chances are, they are!
Here’s why:
When adults yell, it is entertaining. Our volume changes, our gestures get more punctuated, and we make interesting facial expression. When adults yell, I think we look like cartoon characters.
If this is the only time that you act this way (loud, animated, intense, and present) your children might be creating problems to see you act this way.
There is one way to find out if that is what they are looking for. Start positive yelling and see what happens!
Positive yelling is when you take all the same actions associated with yelling (getting loud, getting in your kid’s face, big gestures, and powerful words) and implement them to a moment your child does something amazing, while using positive words.
It looks like you jumping around, yelling about how awesome your kid is for sitting at the table and eating her entire dinner, or having a fit that your child is so great for brushing his teeth so fast. If you want to see an example of this, go to my YouTube channel (Dr. Marcie Beigel) and check out the video “Stop Yelling at Your Kids – Start Positive Yelling Instead” (www.youtube.com/watch?v=oD4clnVS7IA).
The first time you do it, you are going to feel a little bit silly. This is a good thing! You being silly with your kids is exactly what they want. They are silly all the time, and now it’s your turn.
The best part is that positive yelling gives your children what they want. They want your attention in a certain way. Giving it to them for doing great things means they won’t need to fight and resist in order to see this side of you.
Give it a try, and let me know how it goes! Blue skies are ahead, and we will get there together!
Dr. Marcie Beigel is a behavior specialist based in Brooklyn. She has worked with thousands of families for more than 20 years, and her book “Love Your Classroom Again” was a bestseller. She has also served as a guest expert on WCBS and Fox. Find out more at DrMar
