We all have that friend, or more specifically perhaps, that Facebook friend, who systematically plasters their child’s achievements all over their feed on a daily basis.
Even before social media, parents did the same on the telephone, playground, and schoolyards (although not to the same extreme). In doing so, they made their child’s achievements more important than their child. Perhaps not intentionally, many moms and dads trade in their child’s own uniqueness, innate goodness and the essence of what they are for awards, trophies, and what they can do.
Unfortunately, this has the exact opposite effect of what was likely intended. The child quickly begins to wonder what they are without their certificates and honors, which hinders their self-esteem, instead of boosting it. And what’s behind it all has nothing to do with the child. Whether purposely or not, the parent’s need to feel important through their child’s accomplishments is what fuels this behavior.
Dr. Shefali Tsabary, clinical psychologist and author of the New York Times bestseller, “The Conscious Parent,” writes that many parents live through their child, and questions it: “Why is there such a need for us — parents especially — to raise ‘extraordinary’ children? Is our sense of self so compromised that we need our children to wear bells and whistles just so we can feel good about ourselves?”
Parenting is about teaching your child to be the best he or she can be, confident and secure enough to adjust to life’s challenges, and helpful and productive in the world. Parenting is not about perfecting the ideal plan to acquire the most accolades. If most parents would realize that what they are doing is placing unnecessary and strenuous pressures on their children, most would stop, and it all begins with releasing expectations.
There is no need for a child to be extraordinary, writes Dr. Tsabary, because actually, all children are both extraordinary and ordinary. When we let go of rigid expectations for our children and start to see them as the beautiful and imperfect people they are, we see them in a whole new light.
“We begin to notice the nuanced qualities of their character and are amazed by all that unfolds before us,” Tsabary adds. “Instead of medals and certificates being the qualifiers of merit, we begin to pay attention to the joy in their eyes and the quickness of their smiles.”
Dr. Tsabary continues: “The insight slowly dawns that our children are indeed extraordinary — in their very ordinariness and that we can end the quest for them to be anything ‘extra’ or ‘special,’ for they already possess all that they need to in this present moment. Isn’t this a liberating thought? I counter that not only is it liberating for us to stop the quest of fixing and producing our children — but also, ultimately, it’s empowering for our children. Can you imagine the release of pressure a child must feel knowing that who it is they are — at this present moment — is worthy of their parent’s praise?”
I think about how many adults still feel inadequate from their parents’ expectations, never feeling they lived up to what they could be. Imagine a world where every adult felt good enough. I dare say that the violent and tumultuous world we now live in might be vastly different.
We all want the best for our children, and sometimes the best solution is the most simple. Let our kids be who they are, and as they grow, let them become who they are, not who we want them to be.
Danielle Sullivan is a writer living in New York City. Follow her on Instagram @Deewrite.
