Talking tough topics before the big day

Stephen and Natalie (not their real names) are engaged to be married. They have been dating for more than a year, enjoy the same music, both like sports, and have many of the same views about politics. Each has met the other’s parents, and the families have met and like each other.

Natalie and Stephen are obviously in love, and are looking forward to spending their lives together. From what they had initially shared with the mediator, there were no problems looming.

But, there were many important questions, such as about money and having children, that they hadn’t seriously discussed with each other — until coming to mediation.

Many couples don’t have these serious conversations before marriage. Why not? Some partners assume that, because they’re getting along, they must agree on all the issues that matter to them. Others don’t give the future much thought. There are also “avoiders” who fear conflict.

Natalie and Stephen, as happy as they were, sensed that a lot had been left unsaid between them. Not knowing how to proceed on their own, they decided to try a premarital mediation session.

As in a divorce, a mediator can work with couples before marriage. He can:

• Help each partner to talk about what he and she wants and needs.

• Help them both have a constructive conversation, even when tensions rise.

• Guide the discussion so that hidden differences come to light.

• Assist the couple in addressing any issues.

In a premarital session with a young couple, a discussion about children might follow questions such as: Do you want kids? How many? When? Do you imagine one of you staying home with them (and would you be able to afford to)? Is the home you’ll be living in to start with big enough? What have you discussed about religion and raising children? Private school or public? And many more, each a potential springboard to significant issues.

Stephen and Natalie learned, among other things, that there are differences in how they view and feel about money.

“Our talking here was revealing,” Stephen said after the session. “I found out how Natalie feels about money. [While] dating, it didn’t come up. I did notice that she felt a little uncomfortable when we went to an expensive restaurant. But I had no idea that Natalie worries about money, about always having enough.”

Asked how this knowledge might impact on their future, Stephen offered:

“Me, I kind of like the idea of having a really nice car. But knowing [now] how Natalie feels about money, well, let’s say we need a car, I’ll be fine with a cheaper one, if that’ll make Natalie feel better. What we save could go in the bank, or whatever. We’ll talk and figure it out.”

Natalie was almost beaming, knowing that her fiancé understood her feelings; feelings that she hadn’t clearly expressed to him before.

“I don’t like talking about money,” Natalie said. “Growing up, there were a lot of arguments. But this was great. It means a lot to know that Stephen is so understanding about something that really concerns me. I wasn’t exactly worried, but I think that money was more on my mind than I realized. I’m so happy that he is willing to work together to save money, even though it isn’t as important to him. I’ll feel more secure, financially, and in our relationship.”

Talking about what is important to you, and what your respective values are, won’t guarantee a happy marriage. But such discussions will increase understanding, and likely help you resolve problems that otherwise might eventually lead to divorce.

Try having a conversation on your own. It can be difficult, but don’t give up. If necessary, outside help (such as from a mediator) is available.

New York City and Long Island-based lawyer and mediator Lee Chabin helps clients to express their needs, better understand one another, and reach decisions that benefit each of them. Contact him at lee_chabin@lc-mediate.com, (718) 229–6149, or go to http://lc-mediate.com/. Follow him on Facebook at www.facebook.com/lchabin.

Disclaimer: All material in this column is for informational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice.

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<p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Capitol Debate warmly welcomes middle and high school students to our transformative debate and public speaking programs. Our summer camps are gateways to personal growth, skill development, and unforgettable memories, blending educational excellence with the joy of summer adventure.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /><br /></span></p> <p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Our curriculum is designed to meticulously develop both speaking and debating skills, ensuring students emerge as confident communicators and thinkers. Here's a closer look at our focused training approach:</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /><br /></span></p> <p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"> </p> <p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: underline; -webkit-text-decoration-skip: none; text-decoration-skip-ink: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In Public Speaking, our focus areas include:</span></p> <p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 12pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Voice Projection:</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Teaching students to speak clearly and audibly.</span></p> <p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 12pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Voice Modulation:</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Varying pitch and tone for emphasis and effect.</span></p> <p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 12pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Articulation:</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Ensuring clarity and precision in speech.</span></p> <p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 12pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Passion:</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Encouraging expressive, enthusiastic delivery.</span></p> <p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 12pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Use of Emphasis and Pauses:</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Enhancing speech dynamics for impact.</span></p> <p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 12pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Confidence:</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Building self-assurance in public speaking.</span></p> <p><strong id="docs-internal-guid-059348ae-7fff-6219-67e5-728bc2a0e47d" style="font-weight: normal;"> </strong></p> <p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: underline; -webkit-text-decoration-skip: none; text-decoration-skip-ink: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">For Body Language, we emphasize:</span></p> <p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 12pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Eye Contact:</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Engaging with the audience visually.</span></p> <p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 12pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Hand Gestures:</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Using gestures to reinforce messages.</span></p> <p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 12pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Body Movements:</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Incorporating movement for emphasis.</span></p> <p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 12pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Body Postures:</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Maintaining a confident, approachable stance.</span></p> <p><strong style="font-weight: normal;"> </strong></p> <p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: underline; -webkit-text-decoration-skip: none; text-decoration-skip-ink: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">We train students in:</span></p> <p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 12pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Powerful Openings:</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Captivating the audience from the start.</span></p> <p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 12pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Clear Statement of Claims:</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Presenting arguments concisely.</span></p> <p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 12pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Backing Claims with Reasoning and Supporting Materials:</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Strengthening arguments with evidence.</span></p> <p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 12pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Extemporaneous Speaking:</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Developing the ability to speak spontaneously and coherently.</span></p> <p><strong style="font-weight: normal;"> </strong></p> <p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: underline; -webkit-text-decoration-skip: none; text-decoration-skip-ink: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In Debate, our focus includes:</span></p> <p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 12pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Cross-Examination:</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Skillfully questioning and clarifying points.</span></p> <p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 12pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Refutation:</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Effectively countering arguments.</span></p> <p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 12pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Powerful Closings:</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Concluding debates with impact.</span></p> <p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 12pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Ethos, Pathos, Logos:</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Utilizing these persuasive techniques.</span></p> <p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 12pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Persuasion:</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Convincing the audience through logical argumentation.</span></p> <p><strong style="font-weight: normal;"> </strong></p> <p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: underline; -webkit-text-decoration-skip: none; text-decoration-skip-ink: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Soft Skills - The 7 Cs:</span></p> <p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; 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font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Equipping students to navigate and resolve disputes effectively.</span></p> <p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 12pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Community Building:</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Encouraging active participation and contribution to community development.</span></p> <p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 12pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Character:</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Cultivating integrity, responsibility, and ethical behavior.</span></p> <p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 12pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Comradery:</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Building friendships and peer support networks.</span></p> <p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 12pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Critical Thinking:</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Developing analytical skills for thoughtful decision-making.</span></p> <p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 12pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: bold; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Creativity:</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Encouraging innovative thinking and unique expression.</span></p> <p><strong style="font-weight: normal;"> </strong></p> <p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Our 'summer camp first' philosophy means we blend rigorous learning with fun activities that foster teamwork, build friendships, and promote diverse perspectives. Students leave with not only new skills but also lasting memories and friendships.</span></p> <p> </p> <p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-top: 0pt; margin-bottom: 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: 'Times New Roman',serif; color: #000000; background-color: transparent; font-weight: 400; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Join us at Capitol Debate this summer and watch your child transform into a confident, articulate, and critical thinker, equipped to make a positive impact.</span></p>