Talking tough topics before the big day

Stephen and Natalie (not their real names) are engaged to be married. They have been dating for more than a year, enjoy the same music, both like sports, and have many of the same views about politics. Each has met the other’s parents, and the families have met and like each other.

Natalie and Stephen are obviously in love, and are looking forward to spending their lives together. From what they had initially shared with the mediator, there were no problems looming.

But, there were many important questions, such as about money and having children, that they hadn’t seriously discussed with each other — until coming to mediation.

Many couples don’t have these serious conversations before marriage. Why not? Some partners assume that, because they’re getting along, they must agree on all the issues that matter to them. Others don’t give the future much thought. There are also “avoiders” who fear conflict.

Natalie and Stephen, as happy as they were, sensed that a lot had been left unsaid between them. Not knowing how to proceed on their own, they decided to try a premarital mediation session.

As in a divorce, a mediator can work with couples before marriage. He can:

• Help each partner to talk about what he and she wants and needs.

• Help them both have a constructive conversation, even when tensions rise.

• Guide the discussion so that hidden differences come to light.

• Assist the couple in addressing any issues.

In a premarital session with a young couple, a discussion about children might follow questions such as: Do you want kids? How many? When? Do you imagine one of you staying home with them (and would you be able to afford to)? Is the home you’ll be living in to start with big enough? What have you discussed about religion and raising children? Private school or public? And many more, each a potential springboard to significant issues.

Stephen and Natalie learned, among other things, that there are differences in how they view and feel about money.

“Our talking here was revealing,” Stephen said after the session. “I found out how Natalie feels about money. [While] dating, it didn’t come up. I did notice that she felt a little uncomfortable when we went to an expensive restaurant. But I had no idea that Natalie worries about money, about always having enough.”

Asked how this knowledge might impact on their future, Stephen offered:

“Me, I kind of like the idea of having a really nice car. But knowing [now] how Natalie feels about money, well, let’s say we need a car, I’ll be fine with a cheaper one, if that’ll make Natalie feel better. What we save could go in the bank, or whatever. We’ll talk and figure it out.”

Natalie was almost beaming, knowing that her fiancé understood her feelings; feelings that she hadn’t clearly expressed to him before.

“I don’t like talking about money,” Natalie said. “Growing up, there were a lot of arguments. But this was great. It means a lot to know that Stephen is so understanding about something that really concerns me. I wasn’t exactly worried, but I think that money was more on my mind than I realized. I’m so happy that he is willing to work together to save money, even though it isn’t as important to him. I’ll feel more secure, financially, and in our relationship.”

Talking about what is important to you, and what your respective values are, won’t guarantee a happy marriage. But such discussions will increase understanding, and likely help you resolve problems that otherwise might eventually lead to divorce.

Try having a conversation on your own. It can be difficult, but don’t give up. If necessary, outside help (such as from a mediator) is available.

New York City and Long Island-based lawyer and mediator Lee Chabin helps clients to express their needs, better understand one another, and reach decisions that benefit each of them. Contact him at lee_chabin@lc-mediate.com, (718) 229–6149, or go to http://lc-mediate.com/. Follow him on Facebook at www.facebook.com/lchabin.

Disclaimer: All material in this column is for informational purposes only and does not constitute legal advice.

Relevant Directory Listings

See More

The Harvey School Day Camp

<p>At the Harvey School  Day Camp, children in grades 1-9 will participate in the arts, sports, science, music, and theater as well as games and camp-wide events. In addition, campers in grades 5-8 can also choose to take a more in-depth approach by attending our Art Camp, Dance Camp, or Sports Camp.</p> <p> </p> <p>Dates: June 27 through August 5, 2022, Monday through Friday from 9 a.m. to 4 p.m. We are closed July 4.</p> <p> </p> <p>We also offer specialty camps in Circus Arts, Robotics, and Basketball. See our website for program information and dates.</p>

Quinipet Camp & Retreat Center

<div style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Calibri, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><strong><span style="font-family: Oxygen; font-size: 18px; background-color: #ffffff; color: #2a2a2a;"><span style="font-family: Calibri, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Established by the United Methodist Church in 1947, Quinipet is built upon the rocks of Faith, Courage, Love, Humility and Honesty; creating a foundation that welcomes campers from all walks of life, faiths, and backgrounds.</span></span></strong><br /><br style="color: #7b8c89; font-family: Oxygen; font-size: 18px; background-color: #ffffff;" /><strong><span style="font-family: Oxygen; font-size: 18px; background-color: #ffffff; color: #3f3f3f;"><span style="font-family: Calibri, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">​</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; background-color: #ffffff;">Whether you come for one week or all summer long, you will make new friends, learn and grow, laugh a LOT, and enjoy the beautiful natural environment of Shelter Island. </span><span style="font-family: Oxygen; font-size: 18px; background-color: #ffffff; color: #2a2a2a;"><span style="font-family: Calibri, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Quinipet has all the fun of a traditional Christian summer camp - surrounded by water!</span></span></strong></div> <div style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Calibri, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><strong><span style="font-family: Oxygen; font-size: 18px; background-color: #ffffff; color: #2a2a2a;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11pt;"> </span></span></strong></div> <div style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Calibri, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><strong><span style="font-family: Oxygen; font-size: 18px; background-color: #ffffff; color: #2a2a2a;"><span style="font-family: Calibri, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Week-Long Sessions begin the week of July 4, 2021:</span></span></strong></div> <div style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Calibri, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> <ul> <li style="margin-left: 15px;"><strong><span style="font-family: Oxygen; font-size: 18px; background-color: #ffffff; color: #2a2a2a;"><span style="font-family: Calibri, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Day Camp (ages 5-15) Monday-Friday 9 am-4 pm</span></span></strong></li> <li style="margin-left: 15px;"><strong>Community Sailing (ages 9-15) Monday-Friday, 9-12 or 1-4</strong></li> <li style="margin-left: 15px;"><strong>Traditional Overnight Camp (ages 7-17) Sunday Afternoon - Saturday Morning</strong></li> <li style="margin-left: 15px;"><strong>Sailing Overnight Camp (ages 9-17) <span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Sunday Afternoon - Saturday Morning</span></strong></li> </ul> </div> <div style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Calibri, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><strong>Daily Day Camp transportation options from the north (Greenport) & south (North Haven/Sag Harbor) forks! </strong></div> <div style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Calibri, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><strong>In-person Open Houses this April and May!</strong></div> <div style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Calibri, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </div> <div style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Calibri, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><strong>For Dates & Rates and Online Registration visit us at Quinipet.org</strong></div>

Take the Stage at the Park Slope Day Camp

<p dir="ltr">Take the Stage is a three-week experience for theater artists that offers the experience of creating an original show with friends and performing it. Majors available in Drama, Dance, Music & Stagecraft, Take the Stage blends innovative performing arts activities with traditional day camp including half-day trips & special event theme days in Prospect Park. </p> <p dir="ltr">Take the Stage runs in two 3-week sessions. Performances will be held for PSDC groups on Thursday and for families and friends on Friday.</p> <p dir="ltr">Extended hours and transportation from most Brooklyn neighborhoods available. Options to mix and match with Traditional Camp and Sports Academy.</p> <p><span id="docs-internal-guid-a4a05926-7fff-16fe-65b7-8086d8c0b59f">For campers entering Grades 1 - 8.</span></p> <p><strong><span id="docs-internal-guid-a4a05926-7fff-16fe-65b7-8086d8c0b59f">Register while discounts are at their highest.</span></strong></p>