As millennials pass the torch to a new generation of amazing kids, and the social media frenzy reaches fever pitch, parents are getting even more frustrated with the amount of time their youngsters spend texting, and worry about the sexting epidemic they keep hearing about.
Even though they’re all signs of the times, these issues may be creating an emotional fireball that could affect your child’s psyche, and trigger negative repercussions down the road.
Kids these days!
Recent TV commercials are great examples of how our culture is evolving. One favorite shows a dad and his two teen daughters relaxing on their living room couch; he’s sitting in the middle. The girls are texting away on their cellphones. Curious, dad asks them if they’re texting each other. The girls respond yes matter-of-factly. He seems a bit baffled and is probably wondering: why can’t they just talk to each other?!
Another popular commercial sends a similar message, but in this one, the parent seems to be taking her kids’ texting craze in stride and has probably decided: If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. A family gathers at the breakfast table; they’re anxiously waiting for their favorite waffles to pop out of the toaster. The adolescent daughter and her mom are texting back and forth in a funny, heated battle over who will be the waffle winner, as the youngest child snatches one and runs off with it. In real life, most parents probably wouldn’t go for a one-on-one texting scenario at meal time. Would you?
Before the words internet, e-mail, instant messaging, chatting, texting, sexting, tweeting, likes, friending, and hashtag were coined, people (younger and older) connected with one another the old-school way: by simply talking face-to-face, or over the phone, and by writing notes and letters. Sure, it was boring and basic, and far less creative than today’s plethora of communication options — and it also took a bit more time to reach out to someone — but it seems back then, folks had more of it.
Everyone enjoyed chatting, gossiping, sharing and commiserating — offline. Friends and relatives would enjoy passing actual photos around and carried several in their wallet or purse. And it worked just fine. Many folks, who remember that era, talk about those days with a sense of longing. Some youngins refer to them as “dinosaurs.” Flirting and courting was done the old-fashioned way, as well, not by texting and sexting, of course. And it was so romantic! How can texts with smiley faces and flowery e-mails replace pillow talk (you and your true love chatting over the phone at bedtime) and hand- or type-written love letters sprayed with perfume?
In fact, until recent times, most of us were quite “innocent,” and didn’t even know what sexting meant, until a certain local politician made headlines (several years back) when his salacious cellular escapades were suddenly uncovered.
Our information age
How lucky we are to live in an exciting era marked by constant change and possibilities; overflowing with newfangled technology and state-of-the-art gadgets, created by great minds! It’s hard to believe we practically have the entire universe at our fingertips; that we can reach out to others in a variety of exciting ways in just milliseconds, and across cyberspace — without ever uttering a word or speaking to another human being if we so choose. Happily or sadly (depending on your perspective), there’s no going back; the genie is forever out of the bottle, granting our collective, ever-increasing wish for speed, progress, and the next coolest thing in a culture that some say is marred by superficiality, ignorance, and self-destructive divisiveness.
We’re witnessing so many wonderfully innovative developments, but at what cost to our kids?
One day, when we look back, we’ll see that the Zeitgeist — the spirit of our times — was in large part defined by the high-tech revolution, speedy information gathering and sharing, a growing desire for instant gratification (which we may be passing on to our kids), and an obsessive need to connect and reach out 24 hours a day, seven days a week, yet in limited and perhaps, less meaningful ways. These changes have gradually transformed how we and our kids relate to each other and others in our personal and professional lives.
Some signs are already there: Consider how difficult it is for many tweens and teens to converse with each other or with family members and peers one-on-one. And, why read articles and books when you can get quick info and news from the internet, they ask. We, as parents know that some of what’s out there in cyberspace is misleading or inaccurate, but they don’t quite get it. Putting pen to paper is becoming a thing of the past, as is cursive writing and learning penmanship. It’s quicker and easier to send important messages or express certain emotions (OMG! LOL!), and even say “I love you” via text or email. #what a shame!
Undoubtedly, social media is a powerful, dynamic force in our lives. It’s fun, entertaining, and extremely useful, but as we all know, it can also serve as a force for evil. Like the internet, and tweeting, it’s a double-edged sword — and can be dangerous.
Friends and likes?
It’s a known fact that less Facebook “likes” and cyber-bullying can cause kids to feel unpopular, depressed, and even suicidal. Parents and caregivers: keep reminding those kids that hundreds of social media “friends” aren’t as important as having just a few real ones. And that sometimes, BFFs aren’t your best friends forever; they can turn around and say mean things about you with a few cunning keystrokes and clicks. But it’s our job to remind them that it’s definitely not the end of the world! And that they aren’t defined by that meaningless nonsense.
Every era and time period, like every person, has its own personality and spirit. We are all a product of our times in some ways — the culture we grew up in. That said, many parents are now witnessing how their tweens and teens are being affected by the culture they live in, and would agree that the sexting craze and social media frenzy a bit scary. They’re just not sure how to deal with it, since “everybody’s doing it” and there’s so much peer pressure. Sound familiar?
But there does seem to be a way to better grasp how this cultural phenomena can be dealt with and reined in.
Protecting them
We know that kids’ personalities, values, and ideas are partly molded by their parents, but also by outside forces: cultural and societal influences that dictate how they think and act. Since adolescents and teens are so impressionable and vulnerable, it’s up to parents and caregivers to keep them as safe as possible no matter how old they are, and keep the lines of communication open — despite their protests to leave them alone. And kids should be reminded often that inappropriate texts, sexting, and questionable social media posts can end up in the wrong hands and cause havoc in their young lives. Future employers, friends, and love interests can easily look back and view all that awkward, embarrassing, unfiltered stuff posted on kids’ Facebook pages when they were younger, very naïve, and caught up in the moment. And it’s going to be there forever.
Since adolescent and teen brains aren’t fully developed, youngsters tend to focus only on the present; they don’t think much about consequences, or about cause and effect — and that’s a big problem!
Dr. Melissa Robinson-Brown is an assistant professor in Pediatrics and Psychiatry, co-director of Psychology Training Program, and licensed clinical psychologist at the Mount Sinai Adolescent Health Center in Manhattan. She provides individual, group, and family therapy, as well as psychological testing. The center provides medical, mental health, dental, and optical services to adolescents and young adults ages 10–24.
She lives in Edgewater, New Jersey with her family — daughters Kyah (5), Kahlia (2), and husband Antoine (a senior director and partner at an advertising agency) — but has always practiced in New York.
In this enlightening, informative interview, the mother of two helps parents and caregivers understand a growing cultural phenomena, i.e. social media, texting, and sexting. She talks about how all this stuff affects our children as they transition into real-world relationships.
Tammy Scileppi: Why has sexting become so popular?
Melissa Robinson-Brown: Puberty and adolescence have historically been a time of change and identity development. Moreover, teens experience significant distress over these two key elements. Teens are curious and hormonal. They are trying to fit in, trying to develop relationships, exploring their sexuality, and testing limits — their own and their parents’. Today’s generation does a large majority of this exploration via technology and social media. A significant majority (if not all) of adolescents have a phone or some access to the internet, and they are constantly staying in contact with peers.
Long ago, we used the phone or in-person conversations to have suggestive or flirtatious conversations with our potential or current partners. We might have talked about sex and even suggested that the person might get to “see!” Remember that old line, “You show me yours, I’ll show you mine?” Well, that hasn’t changed. It’s just become more technologically advanced. Teens don’t have to wait until they are physically with someone to “show theirs.” It can be done with a quick “snap photo” and “send.” It has become a part of courting and flirting. It’s all done via technology.
Given that brain development is still happening during adolescence and impulsivity is high, often, teens aren’t thinking about the possible repercussions of sending pictures of their bodies via text message. It’s not something that previous generations had to think about, which means parents may not always be thinking about how these discussions have to happen when they hand their teen a smartphone!
TS: How can sexting trigger emotional or mental instability in adolescents and teens?
MRB: Well, again, brain development and emotional maturity are still developing during adolescence. So, already, the foundation is a little rocky. Adolescents deal with so many different emotions already. They are constantly trying to figure out who likes them, who are their friends, what group they want to be a part of, will they be a unique individual or someone that follows the crowd? All of these factors affect socialization. When that sext gets sent, it sometimes goes to the intended person and that’s where it stays. But other times, it has now become a tool for someone else to use, often to bully and degrade individuals. It’s used to start rumors and label individuals a “hoe” or a “thot” (that hoe over there). Once that picture has been spread, there is little that the individual can do to deny that he or she might be portraying a certain image.
At least in previous generations, if a guy claimed to have slept with a girl or guy, it would be a case of he-said–she-said and perhaps, the rumor would eventually die. Now, there is hard evidence that something happened or at least that the said individual was willing to send the sext. Being bullied or portrayed in this way when it was not the intention of the sext instantly creates feelings of anger, sadness, helplessness, and shame. When these feelings interact with an already rocky adolescent period, this is definitely a recipe for emotional instability.
TS: In some ways, has social media become the culprit for these issues?
MRB: Social media is a significant part of today’s adolescent population. These public forums set the stage for socialization, popularity contests, and bullying. It’s about how many “friends” you can attain and how many “likes” you get on a post. Many times, social media makes it easier to start conversations, meet people, and become bold! Teens (and adults) say things on social media that they wouldn’t normally say in person. It gives you permission to take off the filters, and I believe it also interferes with the ability to learn about appropriate social cues and in-person socialization.
Text messages, messaging on Facebook, direct messaging on Instagram, creating stories on Tumbler, sending quick messages on Snapchat, etc., it all gives teens permission to take off the filters and express themselves in a way that they might not otherwise do in person! As such, individuals are more likely to send the message and, unfortunately, social media can help a picture or sext spread pretty rapidly!
TS: Is mental illness awareness regarding kids improving?
MRB: Mental health awareness definitely needs to improve! This is especially true in teens that often hide symptoms or lack the awareness to know that they are having significant symptoms. A teen doesn’t have to express a depressed mood for you to know that he or she is depressed. Instead, parents, caregivers, teachers, counselors, coaches, and other individuals who work with teens need constant psychoeducation on what signs to look for. Adults need to become more aware of their children’s habits!
Every time I first meet with a parent of a teen that I am seeing, I praise that parent for recognizing a need to seek out professional help for a problem, no matter how big or small! That means the parents were paying attention and that’s where we as parents need to gain mastery! We need to know our kids and watch their movements. Are they eating? Are they sleeping? Have they become more withdrawn? How are they doing in school? Who are they chatting with on the phone or on text message? Are they on their phone until late hours?
Just pay attention! Even when they don’t want you around, parents, caregivers, counselors, teachers, should be paying attention.
A brave, complicated, and scary new world
Growing up in our fascinating, progressive, and brave new world is great; these are exciting times for everyone, but things are changing around us at lightning speed and sometimes, for the worse. And many parents worry that their children are being shaped by what some describe as an anything-goes, no-holds-barred society, which is hyper-focused on sex, hot celebs, looks, reality TV, social media, and legalizing pot. Some are concerned with a disturbing mind-set and trend among some teens, who have a get-rich-quick-without-working-for-it attitude. How all these variables manifest in our kids’ lives, remains to be seen. Only time will tell.
And there’s evidence that all these distractions — the electronic devices, the endless texting and preoccupation with social media are very addictive. Let’s face it, we adults can’t live without our cellphones, iPads, and computers either, and feel lost and disconnected without them.
Here’s a no-brainer: Now that summer’s here, why not spend more quality time outdoors with your family, just having good, old-fashioned fun close to home, or exploring Gotham and doing stuff that will stimulate your kids’ minds? The idea is to get them away from all those devices! And for older teens, plan regular activities that will hone their socialization skills.
As the planet turns, it seems likely that no matter how brilliant, forward-thinking, and tech-savvy our kids become, and how fast our modern culture evolves, socializing, connecting, and sharing will always remain at the core of who we are as human beings, while we search for more ways to reach out and communicate in a complex, global world that’s getting smaller.
Ironically, social media was created to bring people together, but over-dosing on social media and texting tends to pull us further apart. It would be nice if our kids truly understood this concept and learned how to better interact with others in person, or over the phone, or by writing a letter and mailing it.
Unplugging and tuning out
Everybody has the ability to tune in to what’s happening out there in a flash. Or, choose to unplug and tune out for a while.
Some families are experimenting with a great “new” way of interacting, based on an old-school concept — it’s called family time. During dinner, or at designated times (during the week, or on weekends), all devices are turned off and put away. Instead of focusing on their phones, kids spend quality time with their family members, talking about their day or week; issues are addressed openly and hopefully resolved. Discussing current events is optional, and joke-telling is especially encouraged, as are board games. You never know, this “radical” idea could eventually become a nation-wide trend!
Another recent commercial seems to sum up the Zeitgeist that defines our crazy culture: A family of four waits in line at the airport; they’re looking forward to their island getaway vacation. While their teen daughter and adolescent son are busy on their cellphones, mom and dad happen to mention that there’s no wifi where they’re going, so they suggest that when they get there, the kids might want to actually talk, for a change. Shocked by this news flash and visibly shaken, the siblings briefly pause, glance at each other and consider the implications. Deciding that talking isn’t such a great idea, they shake their heads no, as mom turns to dad and says, “I like it!”
