Kids love attention. To your little one any attention is good attention. If you’re looking at her, then she’s happy! If you are talking to her, then she’s thrilled! Especially since you’re her parent, every moment that you focus on her is one that she treasures.
You and I have a different definition of attention. For adults good attention is good, and bad attention is bad. You want your boss to congratulate you on a job well done — good attention. Yet you’ll actively avoid your boss if you know he’ll yell at you for a problem — bad attention. There’s a big difference to you between the two situations.
Your small being doesn’t see it the same way. She wants you to praise her for doing really well on her spelling test — attention. She’s also okay when you’re upset that she made a mess with her paints — more attention. The critical piece for you to remember is that your child doesn’t see the difference and will gladly accept any attention that is focused attention on her. Why is this important for you to know? Because when your small being is looking for attention, I’ll bet the farm that she’ll find a way to get it. For instance when your small being dresses independently and doesn’t get enough attention afterwards (“Look what I did!”) she may start to refuse to dress on her own again. If you’re small being is feeling ignored at bedtime and is lacking a solid routine, then she’ll start fighting to go to bed so you’re bound to give her all your energy.
So many times I find that problem behaviors in small beings are simply ways to obtain your engagement and have nothing to do with what she’s supposedly fighting about. When your small being is begging you for five more Goldfish, keep in mind that she may simply want to speak with you. Find ways to connect your small being in a way that will feels good to all of you.
It’s also helpful to provide attention on your own schedule, this way she’ll demand less of it in negative ways. Yes, life is busy and you’re trying to get 10 things done at once, I understand. You do have more say in the matter than you probably know. Would you rather put other tasks on hold to calmly sit down for a snack with your daughter or have her stage a milk-pouring party in the kitchen while you’re on an important phone call? Decide and stick to it.
Please note that your small being isn’t making a conscious decision to wreck havoc; your child is not plotting step by step how to get your attention. It’s a subconscious operation to get her basic needs met and there’s no logic and reasoning happening in these behaviors. Your small being is doing the best she can to get what she believes she needs. Children need parents’ attention and will always (always!) find a way to get it. Teach them to do it in a better way!
Dr. Marcie Beigel is a behavioral therapist based in Brooklyn. She has worked with thousands of families for more than 15 years and has condensed her observations into her practice and programs. For more on her, visit www.Behav
