In the early days of your child’s life, you may have had a vast ocean of hopes, dreams, and plans. Maybe some were as simple as snuggling with your child or playing peek-a-boo. Perhaps some, such as your child’s high school graduation or wedding day, seemed far off in the future.
But then your child was diagnosed with autism. You may have heard, in the recesses of your mind, the sound of a thousand doors slamming shut as prediction after dire prediction was laid at your feet. You may have been told your child will never talk, have friends, hold your hand, attend a regular school, go to college, have a job, or get married. You may even have been told that your child will never truly love you.
You might have been advised to discard your hopes and dreams and be “realistic.” Certainly, no one could fault you for feeling at times as if you’re drowning in a sea of grief, fear, and possibly anger.
But it is absolutely crucial for you to understand that you do not have to accept the limits placed upon your child by others. And it is vital for you not to feel pressured into using an approach with your child that doesn’t feel right to you. Most parents of children on the autism spectrum feel that they have to rush around trying to stamp out their children’s repetitive, “autistic” behaviors (usually called “stims”) and push their children to do or learn other, more “appropriate” behaviors. Many mothers and fathers hold their noses and parent this way, because they’ve been told that it’s the only way to help their children — even though it’s difficult, stressful, exhausting, doesn’t seem loving, and can feel like they’re fighting their own children.
Maybe you’re one of the millions of parents who’ve been told, in no uncertain terms, that this is the way you have to parent your child on the spectrum. But maybe you’re also a parent who feels that parenting this way goes against your natural instinct to connect with your child, to bond with your child, and to reach into your child’s different and special world.
You’re not alone. And you’re not wrong.
Guess what? If you do the opposite of what everyone’s telling you to do, you could actually see significantly more progress with your child — and feel so much more connected to your child and to your own parental instincts. In fact, I wrote my new book, “Autism Breakthrough,” specifically to enable parents to help their children grow and learn while going with, instead of against, their children, bonding more with their children rather than doing battle with them.
When you’re told to focus on extinguishing some behaviors and training your child to do other behaviors, you’re being told something that is based on a totally outdated, incorrect, and, ultimately, unhelpful view of autism. Believe it or not, getting your child to change his behaviors does not address your child’s autism. Why? Because, contrary to popular understanding, autism is not a behavioral disorder; it is a social-relational disorder.
What does that mean? Well, our children — children on the autism spectrum — certainly behave differently; no doubt about that. But these behaviors are symptoms, and stamping out symptoms does nothing to help our children with their core challenge: connecting to, relating to, and communicating with other people.
Helping your children with his central deficit requires defying everyone else’s behavior obsession and committing to one thing: creating a relationship — on your child’s terms, in your child’s world.
Deep down inside, you know this. Your own parental instinct is probably screaming it. But it’s hard to hear it over the din of everyone else’s voices.
Now you have the opportunity to listen to your own long-buried parental instinct. Because you’re about to learn the specific way to translate your love and your instinct to connect with your child into concrete, results-producing action.
Doesn’t that sound awesome?
Okay, here we go.
Next time your child stims, join your child. Yep, that’s right. Everyone else says to stop, limit, or redirect these behaviors. You’re going to join in with him. If your child is stacking blocks, you stack your own pile of blocks. If your child is ripping paper into tiny strips, you do the same. If you child is repeating a line from a movie over and over, you repeat it, too. And if you have a child with Asperger syndrome who loves to talk about airplanes, then listen to what he says with bated breath; become an airplane fanatic!
Some well-intentioned people who are used to focusing on behavior may tell you that joining might make things worse. (It won’t.) Remember, if these people were correct, you’d be completely happy with what you’ve been doing with your child and with your child’s progress, and you wouldn’t be reading this article.
Autism is a social-relational disorder, and you can’t help your child to overcome his significant social-relational challenges with an anti-social approach. Trying to stamp out our children’s behaviors breaks trust and alienates them. And this trust is your most important asset in helping your child to progress!
When you join your child in his stim, you create a connection around a common interest. Human beings have been creating interpersonal relationships this way for thousands of years! Joining is about creating a relationship, a trusting bond, a sweet rapport, based upon diving into your child’s world, loving what your child loves, exploring what your child is exploring, cherishing what your child cherishes.
Have you every wondered if your child can understand the deep love you feel for him? When you join, you are showing deep love for your child in a way that he can truly understand. You are saying (through action), “I love you. And because I love you, I love what you love.”
This is exactly what my parents did with me! As a boy, I was diagnosed with severe autism by multiple experts. My parents were told that I had an IQ below 30, would never speak, and would end up spending my life in an institution. Seeing the dismal outcomes offered by conventional treatments, my parents pioneered a new way: the Son-Rise Program. And three-and-a-half years after my diagnosis, I recovered fully from my autism with no trace whatsoever. I went on to graduate from the Ivy League’s Brown University with a degree in Biomedical Ethics, something that only happened because my parents did the opposite of every recommendation they received.
Now, it means so much to me that I get to work with our team of more than 70 at the non-profit Autism Treatment Center of America to show parents how to help their children in the same way that my parents helped me. For the past 15 years, I have seen firsthand how joining children in their own unique worlds results in these children engaging with us more and stimming less. Sure, we have many other techniques that we use besides joining in order to help our children learn new things and reach new heights. But it all begins with joining — and with the love, caring, bonding, and finally released parental instinct behind it.
Raun K. Kaufman is the author of the new book “Autism Breakthrough: The Groundbreaking Method that has Helped Families All Over the World” (St. Martin’s Press). Kaufman serves as the Director of Global Education for the Autism Treatment Center of America. As the key spokesperson for the center and the Son-Rise Program, he conducts lectures and seminars worldwide and has worked with families and professionals for more than 15 years. Kaufman has been featured on NPR, BBC, Fox News, and in People Magazine. He co-hosts the radio show “Raun & Kristin: Bringing Hope Into Your Home on Autism Approved Radio.”
