Dear Dr. Karyn,
I have a 19-year-old son who is attending university. He has decided to go back out with an old girlfriend who is not good for him and doesn’t treat him well. Is there anything I can do?
Dear parent,
The simple answer: there is nothing direct you can do. Since your son is 19, you obviously cannot control who he chooses to date. But you can be an incredible support for him, which is very powerful. The interesting thing about dating is that we choose who we want to date. So, when I coach teens through their relationships, I get very curious about what it is about their partner that they are attracted to.
What does it say about your son that he is drawn to a girl who does not treat him well or who is not “good for him?” I’ve coached teens for nearly 20 years and when I see this pattern, there is often a common theme, which comes back to self-esteem.
There are three different kinds of self-esteem. There is low self-esteem, or people who put themselves down, which I call the “blind.” There is false self-esteem, or people who put others down, which I call the “disguised.” And there is healthy self-esteem, or people who treat themselves and others with respect, who I call the “lifers.”
The fascinating aspect of self-esteem is this attitude that we have of ourselves radically impacts every decision we make, including the kind of person we choose to date. Often, the blind are attracted to the blind or disguised while the lifers are often attracted to the lifers. When parents don’t like who their son or daughter is dating, it is often because the partner is the disguised or blind.
The real issue is that your son may be struggling with a self-esteem issue, and until this is addressed, my concern is that he will continue to choose partners that don’t treat him well or who are not good for him. My number one encouragement for you is to be a safe place for him to talk. Share with him your concerns and ask him what you can do to be helpful for him through this time. If he is open, ask him if he would like to see a counselor to help him sort through his relationship. Relationships are tough and the more help, wisdom, and support we can get, the better!
Youth and the psychology of music
Dear Dr. Karyn,
I can’t stand the music my son is listening to — it all sounds so angry. Is this just a phase? How can I put restrictions on my son’s music without being too controlling? Out of frustration, last week, I told him to turn down his music, because it’s disgusting. As you might suspect, he got extremely angry. I’m confused with what my role as a parent should be in this.
Dear parent,
I’ve got a few suggestions. First, it’s important to understand the psychology of music for youth, and even adults for that matter. We all choose music because we are drawn to it for one reason or another. When I coach youth, one of the first questions I ask them is, “What kind of music do you listen to?” What youth choose to listen to speaks volumes of who they are. After all, music is an expression of personal taste and values. Therefore, putting down your son’s music is often misinterpreted as a personal attack.
The worst thing you could do is put down your son’s music, or say it’s disgusting because, chances are, your son interpreted that comment as you saying he was disgusting. Very few youth can differentiate between who they are and what choices they make. I’m not saying parents should be silent on this issue. But how parents raise this topic is equally, if not more important, than what they say.
My second suggestion is to use your son’s music as a tool to open up dialogue with him. What kind of music he listens to reflects a lot about where he is at emotionally. Many youth I’ve coached listen to angry-sounding music, because they can relate to it; they also feel a lot of anger inside of them. So learn to ask the right questions. Really seek to understand where your son is coming from. Ask questions such as: What is it you like about this music? What does it mean to you? Why are you drawn to it?
Third, talk about the issue of respect as it relates to his music, specifically content and volume. Obviously, if there is content that puts down other people, I would encourage you to not let it be played in the home. As it relates to volume, discuss with your child what is a respectful volume he can play in his room, so it doesn’t bother others. The key is to discuss this with him.
Dr. Karyn Gordon is one of North America’s leading relationship and parenting experts. She is a regular contributor to “Good Morning America,” founder of dk Leadership, best-selling author of “Dr. Karyn’s Guide To The Teen Years” (Harper Collins), and motivational speaker to a quarter of a million people. Visit her at www.dkleadership.org and on Twitter: @DrKarynGordon.
