Dear Dr. Karyn,
I’m struggling to get my kids to talk to me. As a single parent, I have little time, so I want to maximize the time I do have to have meaningful conversations with them, but when I ask them anything they give one-word answers. What can I do to encourage my kids to talk and open up?
Dear parent,
I think that learning how to get our kids to talk to us is one of the most important skills we, as parents, can learn. When our kids share with us, we get a glimpse into their world. We earn the privilege to learn about their dreams, fears, hopes, and goals. So what can we do to encourage such a fruitful conversation? Here are four tips to get you started:
Pay attention to timing
The most important thing to consider before approaching your kids is timing. Timing is everything — especially for teenagers! I’ve learned that for most kids, the best time to talk is after school or in the evening. Mornings are usually a disaster for meaningful conversations because kids are still waking up and most families are rushing out the door. Also, pay attention to your mood and theirs. I did research with 1,500 students and asked them a simple question: “If your parents did one thing different to encourage you to talk to them more, what would it be?”
The answer was, “Talk less, listen more, and be relaxed.” Kids are very perceptive to their parents’ emotions and moods!
Ask direct questions
Try focusing on asking fewer, but more direct, questions. Asking too many questions leads kids to feel interrogated (which most find annoying). So ask fewer, but more meaningful open-ended questions (those that can’t be answered with a yes or no). Some of my favorite open-ended questions are:
• “What was the best part of your day?” and “What was the worst part of your day?”
• “What was the funniest thing that happened?” and “What surprised you the most today?”
Get comfortable with silence
When silence happens in conversations, many people feel uneasy, stressed, and responsible to fill in the gaps. However, to cultivate great conversation, it’s important to get comfortable with silence. Hundreds of times I’ve asked kids and teens questions and they simply did not know the answer right away. It wasn’t until after I gave them time (and silence) to think it through that they would come up with the most thought-provoking answers. So remember to ask your question, pull back, and give your kids space to ponder their response.
Talk sideways
Try talking sideways with your kids. What’s this? It’s one of my favorite strategies for getting kids to talk (this works particularly well for guys). I learned early on in my coaching practice that most of my male teen clients opened up significantly more if I didn’t force eye contact with them. Since then hundreds of parents have told me that the “best conversations” they’ve had with their kids are in the car. Why? Because this environment naturally encourages sideways communication!
Other sideways environments include: walking, running, cooking, shopping, etc. Look for opportunities when you can “talk sideways,” and enjoy connecting!
Dr. Karyn Gordon is one of North America’s leading relationship and parenting experts. She is a regular contributor to “Good Morning America,” founder of dk Leadership, best-selling author of “Dr. Karyn’s Guide To The Teen Years” (Harper Collins), and motivational speaker to a quarter of a million people. Visit her at www.dkleadership.org and on Twitter: @DrKarynGordon.
