Seven tips for parents of shy children

Dear Mr. Morton,

I have two sons and one daughter. My daughter, age 9, is very shy and unhappy, because she has difficulty making and keeping friends. She is quiet in social situations and has problems relating to how others feel. How can I teach her empathy and the skills needed to build friendships? — L.G.

Dear L.G.,

Regarding her problems relating to how others feel, most younger children only share toys, not opinions or feelings. But, beginning at around age 8 and lasting until age 12, they become less self-involved and begin to develop empathy toward others. Becoming aware of how others feel develops during this time frame of social growth, and they also learn that their friends view the world differently.

None of us is born with social elegance; our capability to make friends is cultivated to varying degrees by our experiences. Some kids quickly excel in sports, music, art, or academics, while others take more time. Likewise, some youngsters effortlessly make warm, lasting friendships, while others do so in their own way and time.

Researchers found that 10 to 15 percent of children are born with a degree of shyness and exhibit different physiological reactions to stress. Their nervous systems are more sensitive, and they are more easily startled than other children. Not unexpected, shy children produce more stress hormones and have a higher heart rate for a longer period of time when exposed to new situations.

Surprisingly, being “shy” is on the rise. Studies show steadily increasing numbers of young adults who report being shy.

Many experts suspect this increase in shyness is due to spreading social isolation spawned by the new cyberspace generation. Video games, web surfing, e-mailing, texting, electronic chatting, and a host of other computer interactions are all done alone, in private, without face-to-face interactions — an isolated and solitary form of social bonding. Without nose-to-nose interaction, the complex verbal and non-verbal language of social awareness remains dormant.

Here are seven tips to maintain the formation of true human bonding and friendship:

• Analyze verbal and nonverbal cues in photos: We “size up” social situations and how people feel only 10 percent via listening to what they say and 90 percent by watching their nonverbal cues, like facial expressions, body language, and deeds — impossible to do in front of a computer screen! Try browsing through magazines with your daughter and have her “read” what the people seem to be saying or feeling by their actions and facial expressions in each photo.

• Teach verbal mediation: In a fun-type manner, go through the five steps of verbal mediation when a misunderstanding with playmates occurs. Review with her (1) the social context in which the problem arose (what was going on), (2) what she said or did, (3) how her behavior may have contributed to the unpleasant social outcome. Then, (4) help her brainstorm alternative things she could have said or done, and (5) the better consequences which would have resulted.

• Try “bibliotherapy:” Have her read age-appropriate books about shyness and friendships, and then discuss them with her. I recommend these children’s books, which are geared to your daughter’s age group: “A Smart Girl’s Guide to Friendship Troubles” by Patti Criswell (2003, Pleasant Co.); “How to Lose All Your Friends” by Nancy Carlson (1994, Puffin); and “Friends: Making Them and Keeping Them” by Patti Criswell (2006, American Girl).

• Have her engage in some group participation, but at her own pace: Lead, but don’t force her into situations that will be satisfying to her. Such things as Girl Scouts, day camps, or church groups may be good for her, but avoid placing her into any situation that will be embarrassing or frightening for her.

• Allow her time to verbalize and make every effort to listen to her. Ignore her nonverbal communications and don’t speak for her. She must make her needs known via words or complete sentences, whether it is asking for dessert or permission to play. Ask her questions that can’t be answered with a mere “yes,” “no,” or a shrug. Above all, make sure your two boys don’t interpret or speak for her.

Shyness is a personality trait, not a defect. And, empathy is an innate emotion in all of us; it just needs to be nourished more in some than in others.

True, it’s the cornerstone needed to construct worthwhile friendships, but your daughter will develop her own social skills and friendships in her own way and in her own time — just keep encouraging her along the way.

Robert Morton is a retired school psychologist and adjunct professor in the School of Leadership and Policy Studies at Bowling Green State University.