Did we really have a problem with the “birds and the bees” talk? In retrospect, talks about eggs and pollination was a cinch. Birds and bees don’t have to worry about date rape and sexually transmitted diseases.
Your teen has graduated to the next part of the conversation. Most teens have already learned the details of “how.” They need to contemplate the “why” and “why not” part of the equation, and this should come from a parent — not the guy at the back of the bus. The issues are more complex, such as dealing with heartache, feeling comfortable saying “no,” avoiding sexual predators, and understanding the dangers of sexting.
Parents need to overcome their discomfort and begin the dialogue.
Just start talking
“Jump when the opportunity arises,” says Dr. Allison Baker, director of The Adolescent Program at ColumbiaDoctors Midtown in Manhattan. Perhaps a movie or music video might inspire discussion. “You can start by acknowledging that this might feel ‘super awkward,’ but then keep the conversation going.”
Baker also warns that adolescents may be totally silent at first, but this should not discourage parents.
“You are setting the stage for a future conversation. Make that explicit by saying that it is always okay for them to come to you with questions or concerns about sex,” she says.
Talking to your teen about sex, safety, and responsibility should be an ongoing dialogue because the issues will change as your teen matures. Above all, parents need to talk whenever their teen seems willingly to discuss the subject.
Confused emotions
One of the most difficult things for adolescents is handling the emotions that accompany romantic relationships. Temporary sexual relationships can leave a teen feeling used and discarded, so your teen’s feelings need to be addressed.
“You can start by inquiring about their current relationship,” suggests Baker.
Is your teen upset about a fight with her boyfriend? Have you noticed that she is experiencing unusual highs and lows — a “relationship rollercoaster?” Take this opportunity to discuss jealousy, peer pressure, manipulation, and heartache. You might mention a similar experience that you had as an adolescent so that your teen feels more connected with you.
Discuss the risks
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, “Many young people engage in sexual risk behaviors that can result in unintended health outcomes.” The Center’s 2011 survey of high school students found that 39.8 percent of students who had recent sexual intercourse did not use a condom and 76.7 percent did not use a form of birth control.
The last thing any parent wants to learn is that her teen is engaging in alarming behaviors, such as unprotected sex, sexting, or having multiple partners. So, parents should frequently discuss the risks of HIV infection, sexually transmitted diseases, and date rape.
“If your adolescent reports dangerous or risky behavior, let him know that the two of you can work on this together,” Baker explains. “Remember, your teen’s doctor is a great general resource for these issues.”
Physicians routinely ask about matters of sexual health during check-ups.
Tips and tales
From the Mayo Clinic:
• Seize the moment: Use TV shows or music videos as springboards for discussion.
• Be honest: If you’re uncomfortable, say so.
• Be direct: Present risks objectively.
• Consider your teen’s point of view: Listen to your teen’s pressures and concerns.
Share your ideas
Upcoming topic: Tips for teens to stay safe on college campuses.
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Myrna Beth Haskell is a feature writer, columnist, and author of, “Lions and Tigers and Teens: Expert Advice and Support for the Conscientious Parent Just Like You” (Unlimited Publishing LLC, 2012), which is available at Also available at Amazon.com. For details visit www.myrnahaskell.com.
