Parenting is truly an art form comprised of what we have learned in the past with what we would do differently in the future. With each passing generation, there is a certain underlying goal to either improve upon or completely revamp the style of parenting we were raised with. The task seems daunting, especially while every move you make, the little ones are watching. It can be helpful to know what type of parent you are.
Baumrind distinguished the four parenting styles as “Authoritarian,” “Authoritative,” “Permissive,” and “Uninvolved” (1991). Essentially, the kind of parenting style you employ shapes the type of child you are raising.
• The authoritarian. This would be considered to be the strict parent, the one that puts forth rules and boundaries and punishes any and all infractions. This parent would have a “do-as-I-say” attitude to parenting. Having such a rigid approach to child rearing could result in an obedient child, but one that lacks an overall sense of contentment. The child is more likely to suffer from poor self-image and would struggle to feel confident in social situations.
• The authoritative. This would be considered to be the “ideal” parent. This parent would implement rules and boundaries, but would be open to the child’s input. Punishments are delivered not as intimidation, but as an opportunity for the child to learn from his mistakes. An open dialogue is maintained without sacrificing the rules or consequences. A child reared by an authoritative parent would likely be well-adjusted and successful. He would have the ability to cope with changes, feel an overall sense of security and pride, and also respect authority.
• The permissive. This would be the parent that “spoils” a child. This parent is overly sensitive to her children’s reaction to the rules and boundaries. She may even cover for her child if he gets in trouble at school. This is the parent who allows the child to shape her behavior as a parent, when it should be the other way around. When rules are not consistently enforced, the child begins to behave inconsistently. At times he can be compliant and cheerful, but can also engage in tantrums and can be quite defiant when things do not go his way. A child raised by a permissive parent tends to have low levels of contentment, has great difficulty regulating his emotions, and displays problems with authority.
• The uninvolved. This is the parent who meets the basic needs of a child (food, shelter, medical care, education), but spends minimal time involved in the other aspects of child development. This could be a parent who suffers with addiction or releases her children into the custody of the state, or the parent who places the child rearing into the hands of a nanny while she travels, works, shops, or lunches. Children need rules and structure in order to feel successful and appropriately stimulated. When their lives lack such ingredients and the parent is distant or neglectful, it can result in a child who lacks self-control. Children raised in this parenting style tend to have lower levels of intelligence and low self-esteem.
The following are role-play scenarios designed to illustrate how one common, every day parent-child interaction would be handled by each parenting style:
Scenario: Eight-year-old Lilly lives with both of her parents and is an only child. Lilly is very excited about the party that her best friend Amelia is having this weekend. Lilly has not been cleaning up her room and needs to be repeatedly reminded to do so. Lilly’s mom and dad feel that if Lilly cannot do a better job with cleaning up after herself, she should not go to Amelia’s party.
Authoritarian parenting style
Dad: Lilly, come into the kitchen now, please.
Lilly: Dad, five more minutes, please, I just want to see the end of the show.
Mom: Your father said “now” Lilly. You have five seconds to turn off that TV.
Lilly: Fine, I’m coming. (Walks into kitchen) What’s going on?
Dad: You have not cleaned up your room, again. Your dirty clothes are all over the floor.
Mom: The beads from your jewelry kit are scattered everywhere and it broke the vacuum today.
Dad: Your mother and I are not allowing you to go to Amelia’s party this weekend.
Lilly: No, wait. I’ll go clean it right now. Please let me go.
Mom: Absolutely not. You are right that you will go clean up right now, but the party is out of the question. Maybe you will remember how disappointed you are and will clean up after yourself in the future.
Authoritative parenting style
Dad: Lilly, come into the kitchen please, your mother and I need to talk to you.
Lilly: Dad, five more minutes, please. I just want to see the end of the show.
Mom: Lilly, you are watching a DVD. Press pause and come in here.
Lilly: OK. OK. (Walks into the kitchen) What’s going on?
Dad: Your mom and I have a deal to make with you. Take a look at this list. (Hands Lilly the cleanup list).
Lilly: One, put dirty clothes in the hamper. Two, pick up all toys and put them in the bin. Three, put all books on bookshelf. Four straighten the sheets and pillows on your bed. I know, I’m sorry, I forgot.
Mom: We know. That’s why we made this list. Today is Tuesday and Amelia’s party is on Saturday. Every night between now and the party you will need to use this checklist to help you remember what we mean when we say “Cleanup your room.” If you do these things every day you can go to the party. If we check your room and the four things on the list aren’t done, we’re sorry, but you won’t be able to go to the party this time.
Lilly: Aw, man. But what if I forget to do it a day or two?
Dad: Lilly, you are a big girl now and I think your Mom and I are being very fair. Because you left your toys out one of them got caught in the vacuum and now it is broken. So you can either pay for the vacuum (jokingly) or follow this list.
Lilly: Dad, you know I don’t have money.
Mom: So this list is looking pretty fair, don’t you think?
Lilly: Yeah, OK.
(Lilly understood what was expected of her and understood the consequences. She adhered to the deal she made with her parents and enjoyed her time at Amelia’s party.)
Permissive parenting style
Dad: Lilly, your mom and I want to talk to you. Please come into the kitchen.
Lilly: Five more minutes, Dad. I want to see the end of this show.
Mom: Fine. You have five more minutes.
(15 minutes later)
Lilly: Hey, what’s going on?
Dad: Your room is very messy and your mother and I want to know why you haven’t cleaned it yet.
Lilly: Mom, Dad, I had so much homework. Ms. Stevens is so hard on us. She said that if we don’t finish our work then we won’t get to play outside during recess.
Mom: Well, what if we say “If you don’t clean up your room, then you won’t go to Amelia’s party?”
Lilly: (Starts crying) Oh Mommy, no. Please, I’ll be good. I’ll clean up now. I didn’t have the time.
Dad: Lilly, please don’t get upset. We didn’t want you to cry. We just want you to clean up your room. One of your toys broke the vacuum today.
Lilly: I am so sorry. I’ll do a better job. But please let me go to Amelia’s. All of my friends will be talking about it on Monday and I won’t have anything to say because I wasn’t there.
Mom: I will help you with your room between now and Saturday. If you are a good helper then you can go to the party.
Lilly: Oh, thank you. I will help. I promise.
(Lilly had to be reminded everyday to help her mother clean her room. She had a great time at the party.)
Uninvolved
This parent would care little as to whether the room was clean or not. She might clean it herself or have another caregiver do it. She may not even know who Amelia is or that there is a party to look forward to this weekend.
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We all want to succeed in our parenting as we all want our children to succeed in life. How we approach discipline and how we nurture our children directly impacts the type of people they become. It’s important to recognize what we do right as parents, but also what we do wrong, and realize that we all have something we wish we were doing better.
Dana J. Connelly holds dual Master’s Degrees in education and special education, working as an educational evaluator for a New York-based agency. She specializes in applied behavior analysis and is the proud single mother of a 5-year-old boy.
Reference:
Baumrind D. (1991) The Influence of Parenting Style on Adolescent Competence & Substance Use – Journal of Early Adolescence p. 56-95.
