Dear Dr. Karyn,
I saw you on “Good Morning America” this week discussing the complex topic of bullying. As a parent of four kids, ranging from ages 6 to 17, I often struggle knowing how to respond. Are we creating a “soft generation,” or should we be more firm? I really appreciated hearing some of your thoughts. Can you share your perspective on what parents needs to know about bullying?
The topic of bullying is everywhere! Bullying has long been recognized as a problem, but parents and educators are now taking the topic seriously, to the point that there are “zero tolerance” rules in schools. So what do parents need to teach their kids about bullying? Here are my five tips:
Know the key differences between “bullying” and “teasing”: While it is a good thing that more attention is being paid toward getting rid of bullying, the problem is that kids are now likely to label every mean comment or action among friends as “bullying,” which is dangerous for two reasons:
• The term “bullying” loses its impact when it is over-used or used inappropriately
• How kids should respond to bullying is very different to teasing
The key is to understand the difference. Bullying is the correct term when there is a power imbalance and the intent is malicious. It often involves more than one child targeting another, often with a pattern of repetition, and can be physical (hitting, punching) or social (spreading rumors) in person or online. Teasing occurs between two people whose power is the same, and frequently the roles are reversed, with both teasing the other, and the intent is not to cause harm. Feelings may be hurt by teasing, but it is important for parents to understand the context before we or our kids label someone else as a bully.
Empower your teased kids to stand up for themselves: If your kids are being teased by another child, empower them to stand up for themselves. Encourage them to face the person, give eye contact, and in a strong, assertive voice, address the issue directly, such as, “Don’t say that — that’s mean.”
Tell them to quickly change the topic (which will defuse the situation) and move onto another toy or activity. For your child’s self-respect, it’s important for him to be courageous and not have an adult rescue him! Role-play this out with your child to help him feel confident about his response. You can play your child (and how you want him to respond) and he can act out the “teaser.”
Warning: kids love to role-play, so give yourself enough time for this!
Empower your kids to report bullying to an adult: Bullying is not the time to practice conflict-resolution skills. In bullying, there is a power imbalance, so it’s important to get an adult involved to help right away. This is why differentiating between bullying and teasing is so critical for kids because the solution is different. If the adult they tell is not handling it properly, or taking it seriously enough, they need to tell another adult.
Parents also need to teach their kids about the role of the bystander. More than 85 percent of children will see bullying happen at some point during their school career — the question is what did they do? Seeing it and feeling badly about it is not enough! The key is to take action and tell someone!
Teach social and emotional learning: What’s the solution to bullying? There are many solutions, but one key solution is social and emotional learning! A lot of research has shown that kids who are bullies and aggressive are actually quite sensitive themselves. The problem is that they don’t know how to express their emotions so a lot of their pain and anger comes out as aggression towards others. This doesn’t excuse it, but it helps to understand it.
Many schools across the country that have implemented social and emotional learning programs that teach skills such as empathy, conflict skills, and emotion management have experienced dramatic results with students’ academics increasing, and are also seeing bullying and acts of aggression decreasing.
Be empathetic with emotions and firm with boundaries: As parents, the key is to be empathetic yet firm — validate the emotion and have consequences for inappropriate or aggressive behavior. Part of emotional learning is understanding the difference between emotions and behavior. We cannot control how we feel — anger, sadness, hurt, frustration — but we can control our behavior.
When our kids are hurting, encourage them to talk and get their feelings out. Validate the emotion (“I understand why you feel hurt”) and listen. At the same time, have a firm boundary and consequence if a child is acting out an emotion. For example, it’s okay for a child to feel angry, but it’s not okay for the child to hit his sister. If he does, there needs to be a consequence.
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As parents, it’s our job to teach these critical skills to our kids. Research tells us that while we can intellectually teach empathy and boundaries to our kids, the best way for our kids to learn it is to experience empathy and boundaries from us — the beautiful balance between being loving yet firm!
Dr. Karyn Gordon is one of North America’s leading relationship and parenting experts. She is a regular contributor to “Good Morning America,” founder of dk Leadership, best-selling author of “Dr. Karyn’s Guide To The Teen Years” (Harper Collins), and motivational speaker to a quarter of a million people. Visit her at www.dkleadership.org and on Twitter: @DrKarynGordon.
