My 17-year-old daughter wanted to show me a cute picture posted on Instagram of some of her classmates at the beach. The picture could have been on the cover of a Hallmark card. The beautiful waves, sandy beach, and smiling, tanned teens made me yearn to be near the coast. My mood took a sharp turn, however, when I glanced at the caption below which read, “All My Bitches.”
“Are you kidding me?” I asked my daughter.
“What’s wrong?” was the innocent reply.
“What does that caption mean?” I asked as if I couldn’t read plain English.
“Oh, that’s just something friends call each other sometimes. It’s not a bad thing,” she insisted.
Seriously? Not a bad thing? Newsflash adolescents: a bitch is a female dog, ergo a derogatory term.
Here’s the problem: If girls use “bitches” and “hoes” (an abbreviated form of “whore”) as terms of endearment, adolescent boys will think it’s just fine to refer to them with the same. Teenage girls need to realize that their disrespectful banter can have negative consequences.
What’s the thinking?
Teens have picked up on this nonsense from the obvious — pop culture. Rap lyrics, for instance, are laden with demeaning terms for females, and they appear casually in movies as well. Unfortunately, “bitch” and “hoe” have become more mainstream than the terms of yesteryear — chicks, dames, and broads. Although also considered pejorative for their time, it was not typical for women to refer to their friends this way. Does this commonplace usage degrade how females are perceived in general?
“I think the girls are doing this to feel inclusive with their friends,” explains Mary Jo Rapini, psychotherapist and co-author of “Start Talking: A Girl’s Guide for You and Your Mom About Health, Sex or Whatever” (Bayou Publishing, 2008). “However, their casual manner of disgusting names for one another is lowering their sense of self.”
Losing respect
Neil McNerney, family counselor, parent consultant, and author of “Homework: A Parent’s Guide to Helping Out Without Freaking Out!” (Integrated Press, 2011), agrees that these disparaging names are harmful.
“If we use degrading language, even in jest, it will be interpreted as degrading by others.”
Some adolescents believe this name calling is harmless amongst female friends, but adolescent boys have started referring to female friends this way.
“Boys are trying to be accepted by the girls, so they are using the lingo to achieve that.
Unfortunately, they will begin thinking those words accurately describe not just friends, but all women. If we want men to be respectful, allowing this type of name calling is not going to help us get that respect,” Rapini warns.
Perceptions matter
McNerney explains, “I think we should remind our daughters how other people will perceive them when they use degrading language.” He also points out that teenagers will go on the defensive. “If she replies with something like, ‘It doesn’t mean that anymore,’ don’t get into an argument.”
Instead, he suggests that parents reiterate their point of view, explaining why their word choice will likely be misunderstood by others.
Rapini reminds parents, “Parents should demand ‘word replacement’ and not back down. You cannot be your teen’s buddy and parent.”
Tips and tales
“If you don’t respect yourself and your friends, don’t expect anyone else to.”
Myrna Adams King, Woodstock, NY
“Although they may think it is harmless, it sounds so disrespectful to others. I think it is up to parents to let their girls know how bad it makes them look.”
Lisa Phillips, Hyde Park, NY
“It can turn very negative words from our generation into something that no longer is used in a hurtful way. Girls use the words in a way that empowers them. They have changed language to work for them, instead of against them.”
Stacey Price-Rathjen, Chicago, IL
“This is an example of kids seeking to emulate behaviors and lifestyles they don’t really understand, but which they are bombarded by in popular teenage TV, music, and movies. The kids are just parroting back what they have heard in popular media. I don’t think they understand the exact implications of the slang they are throwing about. It’s simple for me. If one of my sons ever said a female friend of his was one of his ‘hoes,’ I would be just as horrified as if he had said, ‘She is one of my whores.’ ”
Michael Smith, Amenia, NY
“I think it is horrible. Young girls need to value themselves more. If they are using the terms in regard to themselves, it’s like giving others permission to use the same sayings in a derogatory way.”
Wendy Smith-Emmett, Kingston, NY
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Myrna Beth Haskell is a feature writer, columnist and author of, “Lions And Tigers And Teens: Expert Advice and Support for the Conscientious Parent Just Like You” (Unlimited Publishing LLC, 2012). For details, visit www.myrnahaskell.com.
