Your children’s teen years are particularly demanding on parents because expectations and rules must continually adapt to the kids’ ever-changing behaviors.
Typical teen temperament — rebellion, moodiness, and insecurity — usually begins in the “tween” years (ages 10 to 12) and becomes full-blown around age 13. In all fairness, though, teens should not be lumped into one category. I prefer to categorize the teen years into two distinct phases — the “roller coaster” phase (ages 13 to 15) and the “know-it-all” phase (ages 16 to 19).
For the record, my daughter experienced mood changes that swung back and forth like Tarzan on steroids during her “roller coaster” phase, and my “know-it-all” son — now 18 — has the habit of telling my husband and I, “Let me explain this to you,” as if we just fell off the turnip truck. So here’s a breakdown of the two phases from someone who knows them well.
Roller coaster phase
During the “roller coaster” phase, teens experience extreme hormonal and physical changes, such as acne, weight gain, and facial hair growth, which leave them feeling awkward at a time when they are desperately trying to fit in.
Anthony DeCamello, PhD, a psychotherapist from Long Island who specializes in treating at-risk teens, describes the young adolescent as conflicted between wanting to rely on his peers and still needing parental support. This estrangement phase is troublesome for parents because their child becomes dismissive and no longer idealizes them.
“In my experience, it proves to be less about willfully rejecting loved ones than carelessly struggling with one’s own identity,” he says.
Shelly Furuness, PhD, an assistant professor of secondary education at Butler University in Indianapolis, Ind., agrees.
“Younger teens are trying to figure out who they are in relation to everyone else,” says Furuness. They are constantly mirror-checking because their bodies are incessantly changing, and they fear that they’ll look weird or different. “They know what they’re supposed to do, but it’s physically and emotionally harder for a younger teen to control their behaviors.”
What’s a parent to do?
Don’t get caught up in the drama and sink to your teen’s level. Try to empathize with your teen’s inner turmoil and the likelihood that she literally feels uncomfortable in her own skin.
DeCamello urges parents to maintain their role as adult models and to avoid “falling prey to reactive battles with their teens.”
Know-it-all phase
During the “know-it-all” phase, teens experience significant firsts as they prepare for adulthood, such as driving or living on one’s own.
Teens start to find their way during this phase. Perhaps they are earning their own income, driving to school, or becoming increasingly secretive about their love lives. Fortunately, their temperaments are a bit more even-keeled than their younger counterparts.
“As the teen years progress, a trend toward less emotion-driven impulsiveness and more thoughtful, pondered responses begins to emerge,” DeCamello reports.
It’s difficult to allow your older teen to make mistakes because the consequences can be frightening, such as a car accident or an unwanted pregnancy.
“Older teenagers are looking for independence and ways to leave the nest,” Furuness explains. “They take on responsibilities to show they are capable of being on their own.”
What’s a parent to do?
Let go. Allow your teen to grow away from you and become a unique person.
Levester Johnson, EdD, the vice president for student affairs at Butler University in Indianapolis, Ind., instructs parents to provide their teens with more independence so they can acquire the skills they will need as adults.
“Give them more freedom as they demonstrate that they’re using their freedoms properly. Don’t sweat the little things like hair and clothing that they may be experimenting with.” Johnson says that successes and failures are all part of the maturation process.
Myrna Beth Haskell is a feature writer, columnist, and author of the newly released book, “Lions and Tigers and Teens: Expert advice and support for the conscientious parent just like you” (Unlimited Publishing LLC) now available on Amazon.com and at: www.unlimitedpublishing.com/haskell/.
Tips and tales
“Older teens drive in cars with other teenagers. Therefore, parents should know their teen’s circle of friends and ask a lot of questions.”
Peggy Farrington, Wappingers Falls, NY
“Younger teens seem more eager to explore things that feel ‘rebellious,’ while older teens seem to have more of an idea about consequences.”
Jennifer Malcarne, Clinton, NY
Share your ideas
Upcoming topic: Suggestions for teens to beat the winter blues.
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