Children need loving, nurturing and stable environments, and providing this requires a parent or guardian to give a great deal of consistent time, organization, multi-tasking, energy, love and financial support.
With most families, having less time and less money increases stress, making the responsibility of raising even one child feel overwhelming. Those who are raising multiple children may have more than their fair share of challenges and frustrations. As a result, many parents are calling on grandparents to help raise kids.
During the last decade, 5.8 million families lived with grandparents, and almost 40 percent of grandparents have been the primary caregivers for five or more years, with no biological parent present. Many times, this is due to an unfortunate turn of events, such as parental death, deployment, divorce, or illness. Many grandparents are being asked to do it again — to raise their grandkids — and they’re stepping up to the plate.
“She is my only granddaughter, and my daughter is my only child, and I’m just so excited about being a grandparent,” says Brooklynite Regina. “I smile from ear to ear, just to hear her call me Nana. My daughter and son-in-law are both in the military and have been deployed at the same time, and now I’m my granddaughter’s legal guardian.” In Regina’s case, child care expenses are provided by the military, and supplemented by the grandmother, which is the best possible scenario for all parties involved. However, this is the exception and not the rule.
Most grandparents raising children are forced to give up leisure time, the option of traveling, and their independence. Financially, raising a child can burden a senior’s limited budget. Muriel, a retired Queens school teacher in her 60s, is raising two grandchildren, and knows the pressure of a limited budget.
“I would become overwhelmed — if I stopped to think about it. Having to maintain an edge in my 60s is a monumental task, but children are special people,” she says. Muriel is on a fixed income, and says she is always looking for ways to save. She is an avid coupon clipper, buys in bulk from warehouses, and shops for school clothing and holidays at discount outlets.
As a former teacher, Muriel knows the value of education. She is constantly researching scholarships, awards, and contests to offset the expenses of education for her granddaughters.
The girls play a lot of sports to learn about competing for what they want in life, and Muriel goes to most of the games to cheer them on. She says she has a better relationship with her grandkids than she did with her own daughter. For Muriel, the emotional satisfaction she gets from having great relationships with the girls and a job well done is “more than worth the sacrifices. I am happy again.”
“Children are less inclined to battle with a grandparent,” explained Paula Hinton, a licensed social worker with 25 years of experience in the field. Hinton also said that “this is often a smoother relationship that seems to be largely devoid of guilt and expectations.”
In 2008, Karen, a single mom from Staten Island, was laid off from work. After two years of job hunting, she landed a job out of state. By that time, her finances were in shambles, and she had to move in with her father, Karl. When Karen got the job, she and her father decided that it would be best for her sons to live with him, and she could return on long weekends and holidays.
“After a lot of crying and talking to my dad, we decided that it would be better if the boys stayed here,” she says. “They need a male role model and my dad is a hands-on, involved kind of guy. With the relocation and the new job, I cannot give them as much attention as he can. They would have to adjust to everything being new to them. By staying with my dad, they can keep the same friends, stay in the same schools, and live in the house that belongs to the family. I feel guilty for leaving the boys, and I keep reminding myself that I am not leaving them. I am just going to work — only work happens to be a few thousand miles away. The recession ruined me, financially. I don’t have many options at this point.”
Although he is in his 70s, their grandfather is delighted that he is healthy enough to raise the boys. Karl looks forward to Karen coming back to see the boys when she can.
“Don’t worry about it,” he says to his daughter. “Things will work out just fine.”
Most of the time, a grandparent raising her grandkids is a real necessity, as it is for Carol, a grandmother in the Bronx who is taking care of her grandkids while their parents receive treatment for substance abuse.
“As a parent, you don’t want your 30-year-old living in the basement. But as a grandparent, you can do more than just hug the kids goodbye after a visit,” says the 69-year-old. “As a mother, I was more concerned with the safety of their bodies, and now as a grandmother, I am more aware of their happiness and their souls.”
Carol says that raising grandchildren is a financial strain, but she does not want the children to be with anyone else. She says that she also hopes that her daughter and son-in-law can mend their broken relationships and that the family will someday heal.
Grandparents who are considering raising grandchildren should remember that they must be able to take care of themselves before they can take care of anyone else. If they regularly need to visit the doctor for scheduled check-ups and remember to take their medicine on time, it might be difficult for them to take care of young children.
If they are up to it, taking care of youngsters might keep grandparents more youthful and connected to the modern world. They might be more inclined to keep up with the latest technology than their peers, who are generally more secluded from intergenerational contact.
In having already raised kids, their past experiences can be a real plus. Sharing the past with grandchildren is a positive for both generations, and it helps to instill a sense of family history and connection that only grows more endearing as time goes by. Hearing stories about their ancestors, which keeps the history of a family alive, benefits these youngsters enormously.
Kids being raised by grandparents is not a new phenomenon, but in harsh economic times, it is one that seems to be growing more common.
Candi Sparks is a Brooklyn mother of two and author of the children’s books, “Can I Have Some Money?,” “Max Gets It!,” “Legend of the Earwax Kids,” and other titles sold on Amazon.com. Her website is candisparks.com, and you can “like” Candi Sparks (Author) on Facebook, and follow Candi Sparks on Twitter.
