Dear Twins,
Our 11-year-old son has recently become a bed-wetter, but won’t admit it. He keeps blaming it on our dogs (which we know isn’t true). We find this very disturbing, and have asked him if he’s having any problems at school with anyone, etc. We’d like to take him to a psychiatrist, but since he won’t admit that he’s the bed-wetter, we’re kind of at a loss as to what to do. He gets very upset when we bring it up. What would you suggest?
Jacqueline says: In the U.S., about five to seven million children ages 6 years or older suffer from primary nocturnal enuresis — also called nighttime bed-wetting, or the involuntary loss of urine at night. There can be a variety of causes, including a small bladder, an immature bladder that does not always empty appropriately, a family history that makes bed-wetting more likely, deep sleeping, stress, and increased urine production at night that may be related to abnormal secretion of hormones that affect urine volume. I would recommend he see a pediatric urologist. And do your research. Bed-wetting certainly becomes embarrassing as children grow older.
Kerry says: Although bed-wetting is often considered to be a psychological problem, it is more commonly a physiological problem, especially in young boys. First, consult a doctor, as he most likely will recommend necessary medication. Next, have your son wake to an alarm clock in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. Lastly, do some practical things, such as using a rubber sheet on his bed as one does for babies or sick people. Remember to encourage him to take charge and reward him when he has been dry.
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Dear Twins,
One of our neighbors recently had a birthday party for her 17-year-old son, and our 16-year-old daughter was invited. I later found out that there was beer (no hard liquor) at the party, provided by the parents. Needless to say, we were shocked. Since it’s been several weeks since the party was held, what should I do about this? Should I contact the parents and express my concern, contact the police, or just keep quiet? I have already spoken to my daughter about this.
Jacqueline says: Calling the police may do undue harm to both the parents and all the kids who attended the party. I would most certainly contact the parents. Offering teens beer is a big no-no in my book. What if a teen was driving herself or others home? Talk to the parents immediately.
Kerry says: I agree with Jackie in that you can call and complain to the parents, but my guess is that it will fall on deaf ears, and that they will simply not invite your daughter next time. So, I would do one of two things: either do not allow your daughter to attend your neighbor’s parties anymore, or next time your neighbor has a party, call the cops and have them check for underage drinking.
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Dear Twins,
My husband and I recently attended a PTA meeting at school and found out that our daughter had missed more days than I was aware of. The principal is having her make up the time missed by sitting in his office after school every day until the time is made up. We feel we should punish her as well. What is an appropriate penalty?
Kerry says: Missing school or not doing well in school is unacceptable. She is imposing on and inconveniencing her principal. I would ground her for at least a month, taking away weekends and after school activities. Warn her that if she skips school again, she will be punished double time. As long as you don’t renege on your sentence, I bet she won’t miss another day of school again.
Jacqueline says: I think Kerry is being a bit hard. There are loads of appropriate punishments you can use. However, in my opinion, what is often most effective is having kids decide what they think is most befitting as penance. This way, it enables your child to be accountable to the punishment. And because she will choose the disciplinary action, chances are she will have less anger and resentment towards you.
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Dear Twins,
Our daughter’s best friend was recently picked up for shoplifting cosmetics from a pharmacy. She is one of the sweetest girls I know, and I can’t imagine why she would do such a thing. I am concerned whether or not I should allow my daughter to hang out with her anymore.
Kerry says: You should have a conversation with your daughter expressing your concern about her friend. While I don’t think it will be effective to ban her from seeing her friend, I would suggest that she make other friends as well.
Jacqueline says: Not allowing you daughter to hang out with her friend may cause more damage than good. Her friend made a poor decision and doesn’t have a history of bad behavior, so taking such a measure may be extreme.
Your daughter will just be bitter towards you, and may defy you by sneaking out to see her friend. Furthermore, the message you are giving your daughter is that you don’t trust her.
I would talk to your daughter and express your concern. Tell her that if she does anything illegal (like shoplifting with this friend), the consequences of her behavior will, in addition to other punishment, include banning your daughter from seeing the friend.
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Dear Twins,
We have new neighbors who seem really nice. We’ve met them several times and they are extremely friendly. But then they started borrowing things, mostly tools, by sending their 13-year-old son over requesting certain items. My husband loves tools, and has quite a costly collection. The problem is, either they don’t return them, or it takes them forever to return them, and we have to go to their house and ask for the tool back (which is rather embarrassing). It’s hard to say “no,” because they know we have the item, so what should we say without being offensive?
Jacqueline says: Next time they ask to borrow, tell them you will need the tools back the next day. This is a gentle, yet firm, way of giving them the hint.
Kerry says: I would give them one last chance. If they request to borrow another tool again, I would tell them that you need it back by tomorrow. If they forget this time, in the future, just tell them: sorry, but you are using it.
