There has been a national trend in bullying within the last decade, with several events with tragic results in the last few months alone. Now, the city’s Department of Education is taking steps to give teachers and parents ways to recognize and stop bullying.
The Department has launched seminars in schools citywide, which teach parents and teachers about the symptoms a child may display if she is being bullied by classmates, and ways to stop it.
“This is a school-wide initiative we are working on together. It’s everybody’s job to become involved,” Rivky Broyde, a coordinator of Early Intervening Services told teachers and parents in a recent workshop.
In Broyde’s opinion, violence on television shows and video games is a contributing factor to the increasing number of cases of bullying in the U.S. She also believes that as more children spend time on the Internet and social networking websites, there has been an inclination for students to cyberbully. Without necessary parental supervision, children have been able to post inappropriate comments online.
As a result of this trend, more schools have been teaching social and emotional education, although no mandated laws require it.
“Studies have really shown that social and emotional education actually has a positive affect on academics,” Broyde stated. “It doesn’t take away from the academics in any way. It only enhances it.”
The department’s workshops draw upon information gathered by the US Department of Health and Human Services and the National Association of School Psychologists. In accordance with their research, bullying is defined as “an imbalance of power in which the victims have difficulty defending themselves.” Most bullying takes place when children are middle-school age or teenagers.
Profile of a bully
Despite the common conception that bullies are loners, most children who bully make friends easily and have a group of peers who support or encourage their bullying. Children who bully other students tend to be impulsive, lack empathy, have difficulty following rules, view violence in a positive way, and have average or above-average self-esteem.
“Boys are more straight-forward and physical about bullying, while girls are more sly and underhanded about it,” Broyde observed. Gossiping, cliques and social exclusion are forms of non-verbal, emotional bullying that girls tend to use.
Effects of bullying
Children who have been bullied show signs of depression, loneliness, and anxiety. They lack self-esteem and an interest in school and often feel sick, are absent from school, and, in the worst-case scenarios, are suicidal.
Enrolling your child in activities in which she can enjoy and excel can help boost her self-confidence, which can help her be more assertive when she is being bullied.
“Parents can help build their child’s self-confidence by encouraging their talents and making them feel good about themselves,” Broyde explained. “Bullies usually have too much self-esteem or think too highly of themselves, so they put others down. We need to build the self-esteem of the victims than that of the perpetrators to bring the bullies down a notch.”
If you’re uncomfortable with the types of friends your children are spending time with, you can initiate play dates with other students. Forming new friendships also increases a child’s self-assurance in social situations.
Intervention
If you suspect your child is being bullied, help her calm down, because it will be easier to gain her trust. Even if you disagree with how she handled a situation, don’t criticize her or assume that she did something to provoke the bullying.
“Getting a child to calm down and trust that you’re on their side will really help the conversation later on,” suggested Broyde. “This helps parents obtain as much information as possible about the bullying. The next step in the conversation would be ‘How might you have handled this differently’ or ‘Let’s problem solve this together.’ ”
Many times, children don’t tell their parents about being bullied, because they don’t want to be tattletales.
“Often bullies will say, ‘What are you going to do, tell on me?’ Parents need to explain to their children the difference between tattling and the appropriateness of telling an adult for a purpose.”
Don’t advise that your child ignore the bully, because it makes the situation more serious.
“If a child doesn’t learn how to speak up for himself, the bullying will not end,” Broyde warns.
But a child should never hit back, because once he does, he’s at fault because physical retaliation is not tolerated in schools, even if a child is provoked.
“The statements victims make cannot be antagonistic, because if the victim starts to make fun of the bully, the situation will escalate,” says Broyde. “One idea about how to diffuse the tension in a confrontation is to use humor or make an irrelevant remark to throw the bully off guard.”
Victims should not show fear or anger, but rather, calmly tell the bully to stop. Because children bully for attention, Broyde believes that sometimes the best solution is to tell the bully to stop and then walk away. The best advice for children being bullied is to avoid bullies as much as possible.
School intervention
When a child is too afraid to confront a bully, the parents should immediately contact the school, not the parents of the bully. The school should act as a mediator by bringing both parents together to assist them in resolving the problem.
Once a parent is notified that their child has been bullying, the parent should enforce consequences for their behavior, such as less free time watching television or playing on the computer.
“If the punishment is too severe, it can lead to a more antagonistic relationship between the child and the parent,” says Broyde.
Preventing a bully
The best way to prevent a child from becoming a bully is to make an effort to speak and act considerately and resolve problems in a non-violent manner.
“When children are around, parents need to think about what type of models they should be setting for them,” Broyde remarked. “By demonstrating respectful behaviors, such as not making fun of somebody’s outfit at a party, parents are being that model so their children can see those positive behaviors at home.”
Since bullies have a tendency towards delinquency, it is suggested that parents enroll them in athletic activities as an outlet for their extra energy.
One of the ways parents can teach their children values such as compassion, caring and respect, is by reading books to them with these messages.
“Reading books to your children is one of the easiest and also one of the most powerful ways for children to learn about values,” Broyde said. “The message isn’t coming at them directly, and they’re not getting a speech from mom and dad. Sometimes indirectly going through stories, kids can identify with characters that they really love, so the message gets imbued in those ways.”
While there are ways schools can counsel parents whose children bully, parents of victims can also work with the school to help their own children in social situations.
“If a parent notices their child is impulsive, hyperactive or inappropriate with social skills, the bully might be annoyed with this type of behavior,” Broyde stated. “If you mention this to the school and the teacher also notices the child having difficulty socially among friends, there can be a joint effort between the school and the parents in working on some of those social skills.”
Peer intervention
If your child notices a bully picking on another student, the best thing to do is not laugh with the bully, as this only fuels the taunting. If your child feels safe confronting the bully, he should tell the bully to stop, as this shows the bully that no one thinks he’s funny.
However, if your child does feel he would be in danger of being bullied himself, Broyde suggests two ways he can assist in the situation.
“First, by not participating in the taunting, the other students are sending a message that they aren’t supporting the bully’s behavior. If they do not laugh at the bullying, they take the power away from the bully who is acting out for attention. Second, the bystander should tell an adult about the bullying, or offer to accompany the victim to an adult to advise them of the situation.”
The Department of Education has also created its own peer mediation program, which is being taught to students. Children role play from a script and learn how to resolve conflicts between students.
“The strategy has proven effective, as peer pressure encourages students to respect each other instead of blaming an intervening teacher for taking sides,” Broyde explained.
In implementing seminar and workshops, the department is making concerted efforts to tackle a problem that is now being addressed by schools across the nation.
“We can have these straight-A college students, and if they lack a socially emotional side, it doesn’t bode well for our future. We really have to not only educate the mind but the heart at the same time,” says Broyde.
For more information about bullying, visit www.stopbullyingnow.com.
Allison Plitt is a staff writer for Family Publications New York and a mother living in Queens with a preschool-age daughter. If you have any ideas you’d like to share with her about resources for families in Queens, please feel free to contact her at [email protected].
