Dear Twins,
My two boys are always fighting. Otherwise, they are wonderful. They behave at school and alone, but together they are terrors! How do I stop it?
Kerry says: Fighting between siblings is totally normal. However, don’t play favorites. Be sure to give each child equal and individual attention. Also, teach your children the house rules — such as no using each other’s belongings without permission. Help your children by assigning chores to them, rather than having them decide who should clean up, for example. And finally, talk openly with your children about how they should respect each other, share their toys, and take turns, so that you need not interfere. By doing this, they feel more grown up and responsible.
Jacqueline says: I agree with Kerry, however, I’ll add a final pointer: the calmer you handle the fire, the better their behavior will be. In other words, if you act irrationally and reactionary in your own fight with your spouse, your children will assume that this is a proper response. By showing how you and your husband use conflict resolution to solve your own issues, surely this will inspire your children to do the same.
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Dear Twins,
My mother never talked about menstruation with me — even after it happened — because she was uncomfortable with the topic. I swore I’d tell my daughter before she got her period, but now I feel unsure. My daughter is 9 and has no idea about menstruation. She seems so young to discuss this. Is it too soon? When is the right time to tell her?
Jacqueline says: Most children should be informed around your daughter’s age. However, schools have excellent sex education programs and should provide her with most of the information she’ll need. Also, invest in a good book that illustrates menstruation; it can be very helpful and will do all the explaining for you and in simple terms she understands.
Kerry says: While that’s true, sis, I think it’s important for mothers to share their own experiences with their daughters, such as when they first menstruated, what it’s like, and, most importantly, that it’s not such a big deal and most certainly nothing to fear.
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Dear Twins,
My sons are 5 and 9. My 5 year old is very sensitive and absolutely adores his big brother. He follows him around and tries to do everything his big brother does. Unfortunately, my 9 year old doesn’t want to give him the time of day, because he’s “just a baby.” This, of course, makes my 5 year old cry, because his big brother doesn’t want to play with him and doesn’t want him hanging around. There are other 5 year olds in our neighborhood, but my son only wants to be with his big brother. It’s a vicious cycle, and I don’t know how to break it. My 5 year old should be playing with kids his own age, and his big brother should be a little more caring, don’t you think?
Kerry says: The best you can do is to encourage your 5 year old to do the things he enjoys doing. You and your husband can participate, if you’d like. Also, make play dates with his other classmates. By inviting his friends over to play or taking your son to his friend’s house, over time, it will get him in the habit of playing with peers his own age.
Yes, your 9 year old could stand to be a little more patient, but he’s a kid, too, and shouldn’t have to spend all his free time playing with his little brother. Who knows? Maybe if your 9 year old noticed how much fun your 5 year old was having, perhaps he’d feel like joining in. But by forcing him to do so only perpetuates this vicious cycle where he resents his little brother for demanding his attention, and thus, his little brother is continually needy of him.
Jacqueline says: The worst thing you can do is force the oldest to play with the youngest. It will just foster animosity and the eldest will reject his brother even more. Eventually they will BOTH grow out of this, so don’t worry yourself. Kerry’s advice is sound. I suggest you follow it.
