The wrong crowd

One of my elementary school pals vanished quite suddenly from my life. I have many fond memories, though, such as when we tied for first place in a math contest. We had recited times tables faster than everyone else in the third grade. Unfortunately, during the summer after sixth grade, she started distancing herself and hanging out with people who were not from our neighborhood. It soon became apparent that my friend was involved with a bad crowd. Rumors varied, but most reported that these “new friends” had police records and smoked purple marijuana from Mexico. My friend had moved on, and our friendship was never rekindled.

My friend’s parents must have had a much more difficult time than I did. Adolescent friendships are powerful and influential. Teens crave acceptance from their peers. They also begin to seek guidance from their friends, rather than their parents. So, when a parent disapproves of her teen’s new crowd, things can get pretty tricky.

Why do teens seek toxic relationships?

A crowd can be “wrong” for many reasons. Sometimes it’s obvious, such as when a group is into illegal drugs and shoplifting. However, “wrong” can also mean that your teen is being mistreated or hanging out with friends who have grown up with a different set of values. Any of these situations can be toxic for your teen.

Charles I. Shubin, MD, director of pediatrics at Mercy Family Care, a division of Family Health Centers of Baltimore, believes that some teens might get involved with undesirable crowds because of a need to rebel against family values.

“The attraction of forbidden fruit and the need to rebel probably head teens in this direction,” he says.

Mary Jo Rapini, a psychotherapist and co-author of “Start Talking: A Girl’s Guide for You and Your Mom About Health, Sex or Whatever” explains, “Many times teens look for recognition from others when they aren’t feeling connected with their family at home. Sometimes, parents forget to set time aside to talk and listen to their teens.”

Rapini believes that most dangerous behaviors can be avoided if parents set stronger boundaries. However, teens also need to feel that they are an important part of the family structure.

“Teens need to feel needed by their family, or they will seek this need elsewhere,” she says.

Warning signs

Look for changes in behavior. If a teen suddenly becomes secretive or starts to ignore rules that he used to abide by, trouble might be brewing. Rapini warns that if your teen becomes totally obsessed with pleasing a group of friends, there is a good chance the power balance has shifted and your teen is being used. If a teen’s friends exhibit the following behaviors, parents should be concerned:

• Treat their own parents and other adults with disdain

• Belittle your teen

• Encourage disobedience at school

• Exhibit rude behavior in public

What’s a parent to do?

When parents disapprove of their teen’s friends, it’s difficult to handle because teens often view criticism of their friends as a personal attack on their own character. Therefore, parents need to tread carefully as too much criticism will likely encourage the friendships.

“I think the trick here is diversion, not confrontation with criticism,” explains Shubin. “If the parent says anything negative, the teen is likely to move closer to the criticized group.”

Rapini urges, “Set time aside each week to connect with your teen.” Scheduling time for weekly walks or other activities your teen enjoys will work wonders, because you’ll have time to communicate.

However, if illegal behaviors are a concern, parents should intercede. Seeking help from school officials is a good place to start.

Tips and tales

“To forbid makes it more inviting. We restrict the amount of time and places they can go or hang out with that crowd. At times, we would only allow hanging out at our house. This kind of compromise, for the most part, has worked out well.”

— Felicia Sealey, Hyde Park, NY

Share your ideas

Upcoming topic: Braces seem to be “in” these days … was your teen’s experience a positive or negative one?

Please send your full name, address, and brief comments to [email protected], or visit www.myrnahaskell.com.

Myrna Beth Haskell is a feature writer and columnist specializing in parenting issues and child and adolescent development. She is the mother of two teenagers.

Relevant Directory Listings

See More

Sports Academy at the Park Slope Day Camp

<p dir="ltr">Sports Academy is the perfect camp for athletes of any experience. Drills & skills are supplemented with team and individual sports. Traditional camp activities, theme days, sports on the beach, trips and the pool add spirit and variety.</p> <p dir="ltr">Each week is an action-packed experience. From soccer to volleyball, baseball, karate, fencing and more, Sports Academy’s coaching team will help your child develop their confidence, skills, and value effort over outcome.</p> <p dir="ltr">Options to mix and match with Take the Stage and Traditional Camp.</p> <p dir="ltr">Extended hours & transportation from most Brooklyn neighborhoods available.</p> <p dir="ltr"><span id="docs-internal-guid-2494f89e-7fff-d5f4-e66b-31c43dadf084">For campers entering grades 1 - 6.</span></p> <p><span id="docs-internal-guid-2494f89e-7fff-d5f4-e66b-31c43dadf084"><strong>Register while discounts are at their highest.</strong> </span></p>

Laurissa Jane Music

<p>Laurissa Jane Music Studio is a dedicated institution that offers a solid foundation for students to explore the captivating world of music and arts. With experienced instructors, we offer private and group lessons in piano, voice, and guitar, for all ages and skill levels. We provide year-round training for renowned programs such as NYSSMA (New York State School Music Association) and ABRSM (Associated Board of the Royal Schools of Music). LJMS runs an annual Summer Musical Theatre Arts Program from July-August which offers a creative environment for young individuals with a passion for acting, singing, and dancing. We are proud to serve the vibrant communities of Jamaica Queens and can also provide classes virtually. At LJMS, we firmly believe in the transformative power of the arts. Call us today!</p>

Trail Blazers

<p><span style="color: #1f4e79; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 14.6667px; background-color: #ffffff;">Since 1887, Trail Blazers’ programs have been where campers connect to nature, make new friends, and create life-long memories. From Grades PreK-10, there is a day or overnight adventure for your camper. Registration is currently open for farmstead, rock climbing, canoeing, biking, and backpacking adventures. We’ll leave the screens at home for a summer full of learning about our environment and building skills, guided by staff from all over the world! Of course, there will be songs and s’mores! Come outside and play, adventure awaits! Visit our website to learn more and secure your camper’s spot. Trail Blazers is accredited by the American Camp Association.</span></p>