A moving experience: Advice for families packing up and settling in a new location

If you’re moving to a new city — or just relocating to a different borough — your family will probably need to make some adjustments throughout the process. And helping your kids deal with all the changes won’t be easy. But if you set the tone for your move and stay calm and organized, it should be smooth sailing the entire way.

Never thought you’d find yourself moving into that Park Slope townhouse from your two-bedroom in Poughkeepsie? Well, here you are and the fam can’t be happier. But now you just have to convince your sullen teen that it’s not the end of the world.

Having a good mindset really helps. And tell your kids: Sometimes, moving can be super-exciting!

New families moving to Gotham, or big-city people escaping to the ’burbs or beyond, face new challenges. It’s inevitable. But no matter what happens, it helps to find the positive, even when your children feel that leaving their friends behind and switching schools isn’t cool.

How can families on the move cope with all the stressful stuff related to moving? What should they tell the kids before, during, and after they move to a new home, so they can better deal with big city life, or for that matter, small-town living?

Depending on where you’re moving from and how much baggage you’re bringing — both literally and figuratively — starting anew is wrought with tension and anxiety. The experience brings with it a new set of problems and challenges that have to be dealt with. And when tensions run high, your kids will be caught in the middle, and that’s not a good thing.

You, the parent, will be setting the tone for an “exciting adventure” or “stressful event.”

It all depends on how you look at it.

Your attitude will most probably determine how smoothly everything goes. And when you’re calm, the kids are calm. And you know kids, they pick up on your energy very quickly.

But every kid is different, and even twins won’t deal with certain situations in the same way. According to American Academy of Pediatrics and HealthyChildren.org, while moving is usually more difficult for an older child — high school students, for instance, who are asserting their identities, forming meaningful friendships and becoming achievement-oriented — middle schoolers may also have some major adjustments to make, even if they seem more flexible.

The American Academy of Pediatrics discusses ways parents can help children adjust to a move, on www.HealthyChildren.org.

Small town to big city

The Webbs are getting ready to move to New York City with their four youngsters — aged 18 months to 9 years — from a small town in California, population 20,000 or so. Mr. Webb is transferring here because of work, and Mrs. Webb, an artist and stay-at-home mom, says she would love to live in a doorman building somewhere in Manhattan. She envisions a spacious, elegant apartment that features four large bedrooms and three full baths, a real dining room and a working fireplace, as well as a gourmet eat-in kitchen. The whole nine yards.

The family is looking to rent for at least the first year, and have been asking around for some advice and tips about neighborhoods, schools, safety, proximity to stores, trains, and, of course, access to a park — all high priorities for them. Their budget is $4K to $6.5K a month. Eventually, they would like to buy, but aren’t sure if they’ll stay within the five boroughs or move to Westchester, New Jersey, or Connecticut.

They haven’t had a chance to explore much, but they really want a family-oriented neighborhood.

A few years back, the entire Webb gang flew here for a two-week visit and stayed at a relative’s swanky Upper West Side apartment. It was a really cool place, according to the kids, but as it turned out, not too kid-friendly. It didn’t take long for the downstairs neighbor to complain about all the noise.

The Webbs were puzzled. After all, their kids were just being kids and doing what they always do back home in their secluded California home, where there’s lots of room to roam. But the parents soon learned that if they were going to live in the city, changes would have to be made — no more running around like jackals from room to room, no stomping, yelling or shrieking, or moving chairs on bare floors, etc. And they’d definitely need wall-to-wall carpeting as well as better-behaved offspring.

It would be an adjustment for sure, but the Webbs said they were ready to face the inevitable challenges, as well as some new ones. It was super stressful at home before the big move; at times, overwhelming. Their house had to be sold as soon as possible. School records would have to be transferred. And sadly, Henry the dog would have to stay behind with cousins. Family and old friends were going to be sorely missed.

But it was a new, exciting chapter in their lives and luckily, they were okay financially. Money-wise, what they could spend was right in the ballpark, rent-wise, for a Park Slope, Central Park West, or Upper West Side apartment, or even something affordable in Williamsburg. But if they couldn’t get four bedrooms, a large three-bedroom, two-bath pad wouldn’t cut it for six people, unless they were willing to sacrifice some comfort for an amazing location.

Mr. Webb said they’d check out other neighborhoods, but finding a place wasn’t the only problem. Moving from a small town was a big step for the kids.

The couple’s New York friends told them about life in the big city. They said, unless you’re already experienced urban dwellers, and can afford a huge apartment in a safe neighborhood, maybe you’d be better off getting acquainted with the outer boroughs or the suburbs. One person suggested Forest Hills, Queens — a family-friendly, idyllic neighborhood that keeps growing in popularity. Most residents are upper middle-class professionals and beyond; schools are good, there’s some street life, and it’s safe at night. And there are plenty of shops, cafes, gyms … and dogs. Subways and buses that go into Manhattan are steps away from residential areas, as are all major roadways that go east to Long Island and West to Manhattan. Everything is at your fingertips.

Another friend said she highly recommended the Brooklyn neighborhoods Boerum Hill, Caroll Gardens, Fort Greene, or Cobble Hill. She pointed out that Carroll Gardens and Cobble Hill are probably as expensive as most neighborhoods in Manhattan.

The Webbs said they’ve been looking at rentals in Park Slope, and even though it’s expensive to live there, they love the gorgeous townhouses and know there are good schools in the area and access to parks and culture. But if a good deal on a loft space in Dumbo came along, they might grab it, said Mr. Webb.

Helping kids adjust

According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, it’s a good idea to explain to kids how the family will benefit from the move.

In helping your child prepare for a move, place as much emphasis as possible on the positive aspects of what awaits him or her. For instance, if he was bullied in his old school or wasn’t doing well academically, starting over in a new school could help turn things around for him.

Here are some other suggestions, according to academy:

• Take the kids and visit the community where you will be living, and after you’ve moved in, take some time each weekend or during school breaks to explore the area.

• This is an opportunity for youngsters to learn about a new city and its residents. And in a diversified city like ours, children who are exposed to ALL kinds of people, as well as rich cultural traditions and interesting and different ways of life, seem to do better as adults.

• There’s so much to do and see here: family-friendly activities abound and there are endless entertainment and educational options; and so many museums and iconic landmarks. You can never get bored in the Big Apple!

• Become involved in your new neighborhood and meet other parents through school and local sports activities.

• It’ll be easier for your child to make new friends when you reach out to people who have children the same age as your own. Invite them over and get to know your new neighbors.

It sounds corny, but it doesn’t hurt to look at the bright side. Moving can be an adventure because you never know what you’re going to experience. It’s an opportunity for a new beginning.

And that’s the best part.

Tammy Scileppi is a Queens-based freelance writer and journalist, parent, and regular contributor to New York Parenting. Interviewing hundreds of New York City’s movers and shakers has been an amazing adventure for her. Scileppi’s work has appeared in a variety of media outlets. She has also written book cover copy for Simon and Schuster.