One of the most common questions I get asked from parents is about responsibility. How can we inspire, help, and empower our kids to be more responsible? The exciting part about this topic is that it does not matter how old your child is — it is never too late to start.
So what if parents have been doing too much for their kids — how does a parent start to change this habit? The following three tips will help get you thinking. If you need more tips or help with this, I go into much more detail on this topic in my resource “Analyse Your Teen: 4 Part-3 Hour Audio-File Series.” In fact, one part (nearly one hour) is dedicated to this challenging topic. But here are three tips to get you started:
Make a list
Set apart some time, sit down with your partner, and make a list of things that you are doing that should be your kids’ responsibilities (i.e. making lunches, doing laundry, calling teachers, applying for part-time jobs for them).
Compare notes to see what you have on your list and what your partner has on his. You may be surprised just how many items you have written down.
Prioritize
Talk it out with your partner and choose the top one to two jobs or responsibilities that you want to start giving to your kids. Be sure to start with simpler (and easier) jobs and work up to the more difficult ones.
When we are trying to pass responsibilities to our kids, we don’t want to overwhelm them (this de-motivates behavior), so start with simpler jobs first.
Talk with your child in a loving way
Once you and your partner have decided on the key items you want to start passing over to your children (i.e. they are now responsible for making their own bed or lunch), you want to make sure you raise this with your kids in a positive and loving way. Ninety-three percent of communication is the “how” not the “what.” Yes, it’s important to use the right words, but really pay attention to how you communicate it.
If a parent says, “Okay, son, I’ve had enough of doing everything, so I’m passing these jobs to you,” immediately a teen will get defensive.
However, if a parent says, “Honey, I need to apologize. I realize that I have been doing too much because of my own issues (i.e. my need for control) and I realize that it’s really not helping you or me. So I’ve thought of a great plan that will mean I nag you less, I’ll be more happy, relaxed, and easygoing, and you’ll feel even better about yourself,” you’ll get their attention.
Start with easier responsibilities first. For many things, allow the natural consequences to happen (i.e. if your son doesn’t do his laundry, he has no clean clothes). Remember not to rescue your kids!
Here’s the golden rule: If a child can do something, you let her do it (i.e. my 8-year-old twins can pick up their toys, so that’s now their job, not mine). Teens can physically do laundry or make their lunches, so that should be their responsibility, not the parents’.
Once you pull back and you see your kids moving forward, praise, praise, praise! Once your child or teen hears your praise, sees you more relaxed, and is now experiencing how great it feels to be fully responsible over something, this is the positive reinforcement they need to continue!
Dr. Karyn Gordon is one of North America’s leading relationship and parenting experts. She is a regular contributor to “Good Morning America,” founder of dk Leadership, best-selling author of “Dr. Karyn’s Guide To The Teen Years” (Harper Collins), and motivational speaker to a quarter of a million people. Visit her at www.dklea
