My mother used to constantly remind me, “You can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your relatives!” All of my friends’ mothers said the same thing. We all took this to heart and into adulthood. Unfortunately, no one warned us that this didn’t include our children’s friends.
So, we began picking out our kids’ friends when they were toddlers. Mothers are very enthusiastic about friend picking. These friends we chose were usually the kids of our own friends, or the kids of the other mommies in the neighborhood who we deemed fun to hang out with. Things were simple back then. If you didn’t like how certain children were behaving in front of your own, you didn’t invite them over. I vividly recall one Cub Scout outing where a 7-year-old monster child tried to poke my son’s eye out with a piece of sharpened slate. That was the end of that relationship!
We didn’t realize until much later that friend “picking out” was a transient affair. Teens’ friends are another story all together. They are private territory and off-limits to parents — so say our teens.
So, what does one do when one is not exactly thrilled with the new friend? First, parents should be honest with themselves. What is it about the new friend? Is he sporting a nose ring? Does she talk in two-word sentences? Is he flunking math? Maybe you just don’t like her, and you can’t put your finger on it.
Perhaps you have legitimate concerns about the way your teen is being treated or you fear your teen is newly involved in unsavory activities, such as alcohol and drug use.
Sometimes, forbidding a friendship can make things worse, and chemistry is not something you can easily predict or manipulate. So, what’s a parent to do?
Talk, talk, talk
It’s best to get to know the friends rather than making an instant character assessment. With younger teens, offer to drive them places and listen to their conversations. Invite your teen’s friends over to your house for dinner. Instead of grilling them about their grades, sit down and talk with them about their interests. You can learn a lot about a person if you’re able to engage him in a lengthy conversation.
Be honest and forthcoming
If you still have concerns, it’s time to broach the subject with your teen.
Dr. Sylvia LaFair, a psychologist and author of “Don’t Bring It to Work: Breaking the Family Patterns that Limit Success” (Jossey-Bass, 2009), says, “The best way for parents to approach their teen if there is concern about a new friendship or new group of friends is directly.”
She advises that parents ask questions such as, “How can we work together to minimize my concerns?” She says to keep the dialogue going until your teen begins to open up.
“You will get more information when you talk together than if you give finger-pointing directives,” she explains.
Don’t directly attack your teen’s choice of friends. This will put your teen on the defensive. Instead, start the conversation with a non-judgmental tone, such as “I’m not sure if your friend’s parents have the same rules as we do and this concerns me.” If you use this approach, your teen will likely open up to you.
LaFaire warns that parents need to put their foot down if they feel their teen is in danger because of a new set of friends.
“If you feel there is serious danger with your teen and questionable friends, it’s time to take a stand. Would you let your 2-year-old walk into traffic? Get serious with your teen, and let him know why certain dangerous friends are off-limits.”
Dos and don’ts:
• Do observe his attitude toward adults.
• Don’t look at his appearance alone.
• Do look for signs of drug or alcohol abuse.
• Don’t hover when friends come over — you want them to come back!
• Do stick around if a friend of the opposite sex is over.
• Don’t clam up: talk to the friends … and to your teen.
Tips and tales
“I’ve always had a great radar system. I’m honest and tell my daughters upfront if my radar senses something’s wrong. I try not to be too negative.”
Judy Burns, Poughkeepsie, NY
“The best way to get to know the friends is to have them over to spend time with you. Friends tell you stuff about your own kids that you don’t know. Silly stuff … like boys they may like.”
Anita Middelstaedt, Salt Point, NY
Myrna Beth Haskell is a feature writer, columnist, and author of “Lions And Tigers And Teens: Expert advice and support for the conscientious parent just like you” (Unlimited Publishing LLC, 2012), available at Amazon.com. For details, visit www.myrnahaskell.com.
