Fallout from sibling fights can be depressing

There’s more at stake when siblings bicker than your own sanity.

As it turns out, fights about even simple things, like whose turn it is to empty the dishwasher, aren’t harmless. Such squabbling can affect your child’s long-term mental health.

A longitudinal study recently published in the journal Child Development revealed that siblings who fight are more likely to suffer from depression, poor self-esteem, and anxiety.

The study found that not all sibling fights are alike. Although brothers and sisters argue about a lot of different things, many of their fights can be categorized as being about equality and fairness, such as whose turn it is to clear the table, walk the dog, or take out the trash.

The study, which followed participants for a year, found that teens who fought with their siblings over issues of fairness were more likely to be depressed a year later.

A second category of fights often involves the invasion of personal space — for example, privacy or borrowing clothes without asking.

Kids who fought about personal space issues were more anxious and had lower self-esteem a year later, the study found.

“Our findings may help parents, psychologists, and others who work with and support teens to understand that all sibling conflicts are not created equally,” Nicole Campione-Barr, assistant professor of psychology at the University of Missouri, said in a statement when the study was released.

A certain amount of bickering is normal.

“As much as arguments between siblings can be frustrating and concerning to their parents, they aren’t always a bad thing. In fact, these arguments can oftentimes be the way children learn about relationship building, the resolution of conflict, and the power of empathy and love,” says Roni Leiderman, PhD, the dean of the Mailman Segal Institute for Human Development at Nova Southeastern University.

Often, kids also fight to get a parent’s attention. It is smartest not to get involved in those arguments, forcing children to work things out on their own.

“It is tempting to play referee, yet unless there are intense or physical aggressive acts occurring, it is most helpful to allow your children to work out their differences without constant interference,” Leiderman says. “When we step in, we often look for the ‘aggressor’ — the infamous question being, ‘Who started it?’ In reality, it is typically not a black-and-white situation.”

Most brothers and sisters experience some degree of jealousy or competition, which can lead to squabbling.

But there may be other factors at work in how well your children get along, including your child’s evolving developmental needs, his individual temperaments, and your unwitting contributions to the situation.

In some cases, the fighting is so frequent and intense that it disrupts the family’s functioning or affects kids emotionally or psychologically. In those cases, it’s wise to get help from a mental health professional.

Although parents may wish to tune all that arguing out, it might behoove them to pay at least a bit of attention to assess what is at the root of the problem. Reducing the strife may be accomplished by taking simple steps — such as giving kids more privacy or establishing structure about things like chores and the use of television, computer, and video games.

KiKi Bochi, an award-winning journalist, reads hundreds of reports monthly to bring readers the latest insights on family health and child development.