I grew up in an old-school kind of home, where it was sometimes said that kids should be seen and not heard.
In my mother’s house it was important to know your place as a child. You were required to address adults formally, not interrupt them when they were talking, and not be disruptive in any way.
I didn’t like those rules very much as a child. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t chime in on adult conversations whenever I wanted, and I hated the fact that I was always being constrained. At the time, I thought my mother’s rules were pretty harsh, and decided that things would be different for my kids. I decided that when I become a mom my kids could talk whenever they wanted to, even if it meant that they were “interrupting.”
So when my son David began scribbling on our walls, I didn’t stop him. It was part of his voice and I didn’t want to constrain that. I also thought I was supporting his creativity and his expressiveness, and that was important to me. I also knew it was something my mother would not have allowed when I was a child, and that was important to me as well. For a while I was pretty proud of my parenting style because it was smarter and more modern. I also thought that my parenting style was about raising leaders and thinkers because my children were living life without borders, but a recent playdate caused me to re-think some of that.
A few weeks back, I attended a playdate, and for much of the afternoon I watched a little boy bully younger kids (including mine), breaking their toys and jumping on the furniture repeatedly. When I got home (with my son’s broken toys), I thought a lot about what happened and thought about my approach to parenting. I thought that maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to let kids live a life completely without borders. That, perhaps, giving them structure was important as well. It was in that moment that I realized my kids have to get along in this world with others, and teaching them that it is fine to do whatever they want and say whatever they want to whomever they want may actually be doing them a disservice.
I’m still not a fan of old-school parenting, but there is something to be said for some of its values. There is something to be said for teaching kids good manners, discipline, and self-control — and there is even something to be said for my mother’s approach to parenting.
Notoya Green is a parenting expert and former Family Law attorney. You can read her blog at www.tripletsintribeca.com. You can also follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/tripletsintribeca and on Twitter @NotoyaG.
