My 4-year-old son, Henry, awaited the arrival of his brother for nine months. I did not plan for him to find out the news so early, but an hour after taking a home pregnancy test, Henry pulled it out of the trash and exclaimed, “Two lines — you’re having a baby!”
In the months that followed, Henry had questions about his sibling: Would it be a girl or a boy? Did it pee and poop inside of me? How would it come out? We talked, read books, looked at pictures and observed my growing belly. Henry couldn’t wait for his little brother to come, and helped prepare for him with great anticipation and love.
I delivered Charlie via C-section. Henry was at the hospital waiting to meet his brother for the very first time. I looked forward to the expression on his face — the pride, joy and excitement. My expectations were shattered. Henry was not interested in seeing me, or Charlie. In fact, he opted not to visit us during my four-day hospital stay. When we were back home, Henry walked in and headed straight for his toys. He didn’t even glance at Charlie.
It is normal for some children to react this way — ignoring the baby, displaying anger, regressing or acting out in other ways — but I was disappointed. I wanted Henry to embrace his brother wholeheartedly from day one. Fortunately, this phase was short, and by the next day, Henry was holding Charlie and helping to feed him — even if he vowed to never to change his diaper!
The relationship Henry and Charlie have developed during the past 11 months is a testament to the special bond siblings share. Brothers and sisters will go through trials and tribulations throughout their lives, but the benefits of having a healthy sibling relationship outweigh the challenges.
Most Americans have at least one brother or sister. Siblings provide one of the longest relationships an individual will experience, and the complexity and permanency of this connection creates intensity between siblings, bringing conflict as well as comfort and joy. Parents want harmony between their sons and daughters, but competition, jealousy and squabbling are all part of development, and should be expected. Sibling rivalry can be an asset if parents understand the dynamic and nurture their children appropriately.
Healthy sibling relationships…
Contribute to overall well-being
Longitudinal studies reveal that strong ties between siblings during youth contribute to social, emotional and physical health in adulthood. These findings are independent of influential factors such as birth order, age spacing, gender or socioeconomic status.
What parents can do: be the best role model possible. If your children observe generosity, patience, and respect at home, they will be more likely to practice these traits themselves, which will improve their relationships.
Provide companionship
Living with a playmate helps lessen feelings of boredom and loneliness. Participating in common activities, as well as sharing individual interests, strengthens the bond between people. Spending time together — playing, laughing, and joking — deepens the relationship and fosters trust.
What parents can do: as children grow older, life gets busier and siblings often go their separate ways. Reserve time for siblings to engage in meaningful activities together.
Develop social skills
Practicing important communication skills with siblings can help children interact more effectively with peers outside of the home. Loving brothers and sisters begin new relationships with positive attitudes. Studies indicate that children who have a strong connection with their siblings are more likely to make and maintain quality friendships.
What parents can do: practice building effective communication skills, especially when problems arise. This will prepare your child for interacting with peers and hopefully reduce potential conflict.
Decrease stress
Close sibling relationships provide protection and comfort, which can help to reduce stress, especially during difficult times. Research shows that children who have supportive brothers and sisters are less lonely, self-conscious and fearful than children without siblings.
What parents can do: when appropriate, encourage your children to rely on each other for emotional support. Suggest positive activities for them to participate in together.
Encourage sharing
Siblings are expected to share everything from possessions and space to parental love. This concept is hard to grasp by young children, but over time, brothers and sisters learn the importance of sharing, and use it to their advantage when they participate in household chores and responsibilities. Sharing also has its benefits and joys: sharing family history through memories and stories is an invaluable gift that lasts forever.
What parents can do: point out the benefits of sharing. Help your children set and respect personal boundaries, then discuss why they are important.
Promote individuality
Comparison between siblings is inevitable, because they are forming their identities and finding their roles in the family. This internal struggle can lead to competition and jealousy. However, this rivalry provides the perfect opportunity for children to examine their emotions and discover who they are. Working through this process helps to shape their identity.
What parents can do: support your children individually, equally, and without judgment.
Boost self-image
Healthy sibling relations contribute to a higher sense of self-worth and confidence. Compared to single children, siblings tend to be more assertive and take better care of themselves.
What parents can do: spend quality one-on-one time with your children. Siblings naturally strive for their parents’ attention, which can lead to disappointment and frustration when there are others competing for the same thing at the same time.
Increase emotional awareness
Children learn to identify and manage their feelings by interacting with siblings on a daily basis. The at-home practice helps them to express their emotions more appropriately when they are outside of the home environment.
What parents can do: acknowledge and accept your child’s feelings, and then help manage them appropriately. Use words to help your child identify the negative emotions and discuss safe ways to express them.
Encourage respect
Being part of a family means learning to love and respect others. Over time, siblings learn to recognize and appreciate each others’ different perspectives. Sharing their lives with siblings naturally builds acceptance, tolerance and empathy in children. Consequently, this increases their ability to help others and get along with people from different backgrounds.
What parents can do: praise your children when they respect others’ points of view. Cherish the special bond they share, regardless of their differences; they will, too.
Teach conflict resolution
The more children talk through their problems instead of fighting, burying feelings or acting out, the easier communication will become. Living with a sibling provides endless opportunities to practice compromising, cooperating and working as a team to achieve peace. Children are also in their home environment where they can test limits safely. This gives them a chance to practice “fighting fairly,” and provides good training for interacting with peers.
What parents can do: always start by allowing siblings to work through differences on their own. If they need your involvement, teach them problem-solving techniques. Explain that fair doesn’t always mean equal. Discuss age-appropriate rules and ask your children to help you determine what is fair. Set rules and enforce consequences. Be consistent.
Influence positive behavior
Siblings shape each other in many ways. As they get older, they develop their own lives away from home and are more vulnerable to outside influences. How a child acts in different social environments has a significant impact on his sibling’s behavior. It is not uncommon for younger children to emulate older siblings. If they observe their big brother or sister engaging in negative behavior, chances are, they will do the same.
What parents can do: be aware of your children’s activities when they are not at home. Know where they are and who they are with. Maximize positive influences as much as possible. Let them know you care.
Parents of only one child — don’t fret! Siblings may share built-in benefits, but single children can learn many of the same skills with friends and extended family. A healthy social life develops if young children have the opportunity to interact and play with others of similar age early on. This can be achieved through caregivers, play dates, play groups and preschool. Spending time with peers on a regular basis will teach sharing, empathy and conflict resolution. The rewards of establishing warm, loving relationships in childhood will last a lifetime.
