Don’t worry, be happy

I just know I’m not gonna do well!”

You’ve probably heard this from a fretful child a few times. If your child seems to worry excessively, there are proactive ways — some of which may not have occurred to you — that really can help.

Although less serious than anxiety disorders, excessive worry is one of the most frequent problems children face. Children with “beyond normal but less than severe anxiety” may be shy, withdrawn and inhibited, according to Paul Foxman, author of “The Worried Child.” Sometimes anxiety is mistaken for depression, hyperactivity, or physical illness.

Common worries

For infants and toddlers, common fears include loud noises, large looming objects, strangers, separation, and changes in the house.

Preschoolers often fear the dark, noises at night, masks, monsters, and animals, including dogs.

Typical worries for school-age children include snakes, spiders, storms, being home alone, angry teachers, failure, rejection, scary TV shows, injury, illness, doctors, shots, and death, according to WebMd.

This worry is often an irrational focus on unlikely events.

“There is usually a discrepancy between reality and what children worry about.

For example, car and bicycle injuries are more likely to occur than any other events in childhood, yet children seldom worry about having those types of injuries,” according to Foxman.

Addressing their worry

Don’t try to talk them out of it. No matter what your child’s age is, discuss their fears with respect, suggests Tamar Chansky in her book, “Freeing Your Child From Anxiety.” You probably already realize this if you’ve ever tried to assure a young child that there is absolutely not a ghost in his closet. Chansky advises parents to speak calmly and confidently. While complete avoidance of the fear is not the answer, neither should children be forced to do more than what feels comfortable.

Explain — plainly — what worry is. Foxman suggests asking a child to imagine that he is a small animal, such as a rabbit, living in nature among predators. “When a vulnerable animal is threatened, it senses danger and hides until it is safe again. When it is safe, the rabbit relaxes and resumes normal activities.”

Separate anxiety from the child. Externalize worry in order to set the stage for taking control. “Think of anxiety with a capital ‘A,’ as if it were a separate entity with its own name, rather than an integral part of your child,” psychologist Dawn Huebner suggests in “What to Do When You Worry Too Much.” Bonus: the principles in her book are relevant to anxious parents as well.

Introduce age-appropriate books. For emerging readers, consider sharing stories about overcoming fear, such as the relaxation guide “When My Worries Get Too Big,” which gives children ways to recognize feelings of anxiety, as well as practical strategies to control those feelings. Try a more humorous approach to typical and not so typical childhood worries with “Is A Worry Worrying You?” Perfectionist tweens may benefit from “What to do When Good Enough Isn’t Good Enough,” by psychologist Thomas Greenspoon, which focuses on the harmful effects of obsessing about perfection.

Worry management strategies

Keep these excellent techniques in mind to help your worrying child learn to effectively manage anxieties:

Discuss perfectionism. Your child needs to learn to be selective and make wise choices based on urgency and importance, so Foxman recommends he learn “to set reasonable limits and pace his energy.” Help your child understand the difference between excellence (putting your best effort forward based on available resources) and perfection.

Think distraction. Even if nothing in your child’s feared situation changes, Huebner suggests distractions, such as playing outside and bike riding, to keep your child absorbed, so that “there is less room for The Worry to creep back in.”

Frame worry as a negative habit. Help your child to see worry as a negative habit, not a reasonable way to think or prepare for upcoming events. Teach him to say “so what” and get away from all or nothing thinking. Explain that “life is complex, and things do not always fit neatly into categories.”

Teach them about second reactions. As Chansky puts it: “Managing worry means challenging the credibility of those automatic thoughts and cultivating a strong second reaction — speed dialing that voice of reason, connecting to some truth circuits, and in so doing, bringing that magnified risk down to a manageable size.”

Encourage assertiveness. Chansky says kids can “boss back” the worry rather than being held hostage to it.

Ditch feelings for facts. Replace dwelling on how awful something could be with how unlikely it would be. “When estimating the risk, go with the facts, not your feelings,” advises Chansky. You can ask these two questions: How much of you feels scared that something bad will happen? How much of you really believes it will happen?

If your little tyke worries too much, remember to stay positive and project confidence. As Huebner reminds, “You are moving toward the day where you will be able to say that your child used to worry too much, but not any more.”

Michele Ranard has experience teaching children strategies to cope with anxiety. She has a husband, two sons, and a master’s in counseling.

Resources

Buron, Kari Dunn. “When My Worries Get Too Big! A Relaxation Book for Children Who Live With Anxiety.” Autism Asperger Publishing Company, 2006.

Chansky, Tamar E. “Freeing Your Child From Anxiety: Powerful, Practical Solutions to Overcome Your Child’s Fears, Worries, and Phobias.” Three Rivers Press, 2004.

Foxman, Paul. “The Worried Child: Recognizing Anxiety in Children and Helping Them Heal.” Hunter House, 2004.

Greenspoon, Thomas S. “What to Do When Good Enough Isn’t Good Enough: The Real Deal on Perfectionism: A Guide for Kids.” Free Spirit Publishing, 2007.

Huebner, Dawn. “What to Do When You Worry Too Much: A Kid’s Guide to Overcoming Anxiety.” Magination, 2005.

Stuart, Annie. “Childhood Fears and Anxieties: Experts Describe How Parents Can Help When Their Child is Afraid.” WebMD. children.webmd.com/features/childhood-fears-anxieties. April 2007.

Wolff, Ferida. “Is a Worry Worrying You?” Tanglewood Press, 2007.